Rough Week

This past week caught me completely off guard. Suddenly I found myself in really difficult situations and a roller coaster of emotions. I'm going to be completely honest with you about where my heart is. I am now deep into a process of mental, emotional and spiritual healing.

It may seem ironic to be in such a higher place spiritually, and yet having to deal with the yuckiest parts of myself. But it is actually the perfect time for this to happen. See, the Lord is pushing me out of my comfort zone, far out. We may pray and sing during worship that we'll do anything and go through anything with Him. But it's only when we go through the trial that we really find out if we are willing to go through anything with Him.

This week I was faced with some of the most uncomfortable and challenging situations. I had to endure nearly a week of constant noise and people around me. Not only do I re-charge alone, but the kind of people that were around me are the people who trigger my anxiety the most. So, I was in the midst of triggers without being able to run to the Father in quiet comfort.

In addition to this, I was away from all of the people whom I have community with. Pretty much anyone who could counsel me or pray for me during my difficult situation was unavailable. I was fighting this battle alone. But that wasn't the worse about it all. One of these relationships was challenged and I found myself facing yet another war. Now the trust was broken from one of those close to me.

I was heartbroken. I was beaten down. I was at my highest level of anxiety since I had had a breakthrough in this area. But you know what is the worse about the whole situation? That I had lost a lot of my trust in God. It was the most surprising revealing of my heart because I had just reached my highest level of trust in Him.

But these are the questions of my heart:

God, if you are taking care of me, then why are you putting me in these situations?

God, if you are protecting me, then why are you allowing people who hurt me into my life?

God, why am I in this situation? I want out.

Yesterday and today God has been answering gently and lovingly all of my questions:

"I am putting you back in these situations because if you can have victory in the midst of your greatest giants, you can have victory anywhere"

"People are not hurting you. You are hurting yourself by the expectations you place on those around you."

"You are in this situation because you need to grow and mature. I can't take you where you want me to take you the way you are"


Yet again, I am trying to live this life in the safest way possible. I just want certain people and environments around me. I don't want anything or anyone unsafe. I don't want unpredictable people. I don't want unnecessary noise. "I, I" "Me, me". Why does it have to be about me? Why do situations and environments have to be yielded to my will? Shouldn't they always be God's will? Shouldn't I trust God has my back?

So, this is what I'm going through. I am processing a lot of areas in my life that I'm still in control of. I am learning to live in victory in the midst of my fears. I am trusting God while I'm being bent, shaped, broken, restored, refined and smoothed over. I'm getting a new identity.