Writing For Me

I have been a writer for so many years. I fell in love with words and all I wanted to do was find ways to say what could only be felt. I am writing, for me. I am writing for my own deliverance. I am writing for my own freedom. I am writing for my own hope, and joy and love. I am writing because it was the first thing I did that allowed me to be me.

I could dress up my world in any way I needed to dress it. I could change the narrative of a life I didn't want. But now, I could deliver the narrative of a life that I do want. A life that I enjoy. A life that I love. And I truly love my life. God has blessed me so much, and I want to share these blessings with the world. 

I am writing for me. Not because I have something grand, or amazing, or incredible to say. But simply because I love writing. I feel like a swimmer going back into the water. 

And this post, is my first dive.

The Transition Lie

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, then the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”  CS Lewis

When my parents kicked me out of the house at 18 years old, I felt powerless and helpless. Anxiety crippled me. I couldn't find a job. I was at a transition.

When I began college at 20 years old, I was unprepared for the real world. I was still learning American culture. My professors and classmates scared me with their grown-up jobs and big words. I was a transition.

When I was at college at 26 years old, I was diagnosed with 2 anxiety disorders. I struggled with my classes and I was experiencing more spiritual warfare than I could understand or handle. I was at a transition.

When I graduated college, got my first grown-up job, moved where I wanted, lived my best life and suddenly lost it all, I lost myself too. I was at a transition.

Transitions are indications we are going to grow. We were created to grow, and not just grow but blossom. We grow in the most interesting environments. Sometimes you are the odd flower that grows where there is nothing but grass.

There you are. Alone. And so beautiful.

The grass can't understand you; you're different. People pass you by and you stand out. Someone plucks you out. And it hurts. There is an indescribable anguish when you are held in unknown hands and taken to an unknown place.

But you know Who is holding you. It's that same hand who has watched you grow, who has gently comforted you and who has decided it's time for you to be at a better place.

Here's the truth: You're going to be okay. In fact, you will be better than you've ever been.

So here is the question I ask you, the same question my Papa has been asking me:

Will you trust I know best? Here's His song over you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSDkn9PtQm0

I Wanted Everyone Around Me to Give Me What Only God Could

Every child in the world has basic needs that are all met through relationships. The need for security, affirmation, safety and affection is what makes or breaks an individual. Long after our childhood years end, we engage fiercely in the pursuit of getting all of these needs met.

I pursued all of these as an adult.

In college, I wanted all of my mentors and leaders to give me the affirmation I always sought from my parents. I was in pain when they fell short in doing so. Often times, leaders are busy with many responsibilities to care for. I was hurt when they wouldn’t give me the time I desired to receive from them. I was also hurt when their own brokenness and faults would cause them to ignore me or address me in an unloving manner. I would project all of the pain I felt from my upbringing to my leaders and mentors. My hurt feelings were magnified because they were filtered through the pain of unmet childhood needs.

After college, I entered a relationship with a man who made me feel safe. I traded my identity and my call as a daughter of God for the safety of this relationship. This man would always find a way to talk to me and be present. He was also very affectionate and generous. He would treat me with care and honor. I felt safe. I felt loved. I proceeded to forego all of the other red flags. He was also broken and was actually trying to get his needs met through relationship with me. This was a recipe for disaster. Once he realized he couldn’t get all his needs met through relationship with me, he left me and all of my self-esteem and self-worth was gone too.

Two years ago, I entered another relationship with someone I called “My brother.” All of the unmet needs I lacked from my relationship with my younger brother were now being projected unto this individual. I was okay when he was mean or rude to me. I made excuses for his behavior. I over-extended my time and resources just to give him what he wanted or needed. Ultimately, the relationship ended in shipwreck. I realized we were feeding off each other’s dysfunctions and I put an end to it.  

Our heavenly Father affirms us and has our constant attention. We don’t need to seek it from a leader or mentor when we are so fiercely affirmed. He keeps us safe and secure. He is always present and always affectionate in multifaceted ways. We don’t need these things from a romantic relationship when we receive an overabundance of these needs from our Abba. He is the one who heals our deepest wounds. He restores relationships. He mends our hearts. He causes us to be attached to Him as opposed to another broken individual. Our souls are made to attach to the right sources in healthy ways.

Learning about my behavior toward every relationship I entered into made me understand where my heart was. When my heart is right with God, He causes my heart to also be right with others. I can love others and enter relationship with them because I genuinely love them and can give them from the overflow of the affection and affirmation I get from my heavenly Father.

Now think to yourself: Why do you have relationship with the people you have relationship with? Are those relationships healthy? Are there needs you can recognize you are trying to meet through relationship with others? What is God saying to you personally about your unmet needs?

 

 

The Relationship Lie

When I was 7 years old, I used to watch a lot of soap operas with my family. It is a common thing to watch soap operas in a Hispanic household. I was young and still learning the difference between what was real and what was fantasy. I remember my mother would answer my questions about how women get pregnant. She said that men and women get married and then they would finally kiss. When they kissed on their wedding day, that kiss made the woman become pregnant and then they had a baby.

One day, I was playing with my older male cousin. We ended up hiding underneath a bunk bed we had in the kitchen. When we were underneath the bed, I had the grand idea to tell him that we should pretend we are in a soap opera. So we kissed in the mouth. It wasn't until it happened that it dawned on me that was probably not a great idea. And then I remembered what my mother told me. I wasn't supposed to kiss anyone until my wedding day. Now I was pregnant- or so I thought. (Isn't a child's mind funny like that?)

I came out from under the bed and stood up. I was determined to not talk to my cousin again. I looked at my belly and put my hand on it. Then I said: "Don't worry. I'll find a father for you." It was all very dramatic, but it was very real in my head. I thought that hidden cameras followed people around and that's how they would end up on the television. Therefore, everything I did was extra dramatic, just as I observed in the soap operas.

Eventually, I grew out of this phase. Yet, I didn't realize how much of an impact the media had on my view of relationships.

I wrote letters to a fictional soap opera character when I was 13. I fell obsessively in love with a young man who had dissociative personality disorder. My first boyfriend was a man 8 years older than me whom I tried to put in the category of a savior or rescuer. Then I fell obsessively in love again with someone who catfished me. My last boyfriend was the most "normal" one, yet again it was a relationship full of drama and intense emotions. God protected me so much, but I forced myself into dysfunctional dramatic relationships. Part of the reason was my own dysfunction, my brokenness and the absence of a father's love. But a lot of it was also the construct of the media.

Have you ever thought about how what you have watched and experienced has influenced your view of relationships? Who teaches us how to have healthy relationships but Christ?

Ponder upon your view of every type of relationship in your life: Parent-Offspring, Significant other, Friend, Sibling, etc. Who taught you how to have these relationships? Do these relationships work for you or do they leave something to be desired?

Next week, I will write a post titled: "I Wanted Everyone Around Me To Give Me What Only God Could".

The Truth Lie

When I was in 7th grade, I was in a class with 53 students. The classrooms were very large. The teachers would come to our classroom every time there was a change of period. There was a particular subject called Civics that used to be taught on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I remember the day was a Thursday.

In the middle of changing periods, I stood up and went up to the chalkboard. I began to draw a heart with the chalk. Then I remember feeling a punch hit my back. I turned around and there were 4 students standing behind me. They all responded with a hostile: "What?! Are you trying to say one of us hit you?". I decided to turn back around to the chalkboard, forget it happened and mind my own business. I had been bullied heavily in that school before when I was in 6th grade. I didn't want any trouble to start up again, so I thought that whoever hit me would probably not do it again. When I turned back around to continue to draw hearts, I felt another hand hit me on my right arm. When I turned around, the same thing happened and they reacted hostile. But as I turned, someone else pushed me on my back. When I turned again to see, someone else had hit me on my back again on the other side. More students were added each time, making it difficult to discern what was happening. I was in the middle of being hit by 20 students who yelled and screamed in the middle of changing periods.

When the teacher arrived, she was told that I was hitting students and that I said that I couldn't get in trouble because my aunt was the school's vice principal. I didn't even know they knew my dad was related to the school's vice principal. But once again, this was told to my parents.

I drowned in the lies of many around me. I suffered physical, emotional and mental abuse. To this day, I still wonder sometimes if I actually did say any of those things. I wonder if I was responsible in any way for these things to happen. And I have played this narrative with many other things in my life. I blamed myself for the things that others did to me. I blamed myself for demonic situations the enemy clearly orchestrated around me. And this was his tactic. His strategy was to make me think that I was responsible for things that happened that should have never happened.

Is my truth a lie? No. It's not. It happened. It was real.

Sometimes people do evil things. But God's truth is always there to shield us, to speak to us, to comfort. We are who our Heavenly Father says we are. We are heard and our voice matters. I don't have to make myself loud. I just have to agree with the truth that is spoken over me and the Truth that lives inside of me.

Can you find yourself in this anecdote? What is the truth your Heavenly Father is speaking over you today?

"and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

The Deception Lies

Have you ever been deceived? Ever believed something was true that was actually a complete lie?

Yep, it's happened to me.

When I was around 7 years old, my aunt sent me to the store by myself. This was uncommon, so I felt incredibly proud about it. I was purchasing a 2 liter soda. She gave me 100 pesos and I held unto them for dear life. I had an empty deposit bottle in one hand and the 100 pesos bill on the other hand. What I didn't know was that you were never supposed to let people see you with money in your hands. I did. I held unto one end of those 100 pesos and let the other end of the bill swing as I walked toward the store.

Someone saw me.

He said: "Hey! Say hello to your uncle!" I said: "Huh?" He said: "I'm your uncle. You don't remember me? I know your mom and dad". I said: "Ohhh, okay". Then he said: "I actually bought you a Barbie doll. It's right there." I said: "Where?" He pointed to a house where there was some construction being done. He then said: "Go, and tell them to give you your Barbie doll. I'll hold on to this while you go."

I was clueless. I agreed. I gave him the money and walked over. The construction men had no clue what I was talking about. I was so confused. I turned to tell my "uncle". But he was gone. I was confused all the more.

When I returned home, I told the story to my aunt. She told me I got robbed. But how could this be? It wasn't even on my radar! I didn't believe I got robbed until I thought about everything that had happened for a good long while.

As I reflect on this story, I can't help but think about the things we think are true that are actually not. I have been deceived so many times by the enemy. He's made me think untrue things I have believed to the degree that there seemed to not be another reality.

Have you ever thought about what you call "Reality"? Is it true that your life will always be this way? What about the people in your life? Is what you believe about them really true? The enemy is always looking after the gold in us just as the thief was looking after my 100 pesos. He speaks a lie to us and then all he needs is to create a distraction to then rob us.

Do not get distracted.

This is the season to cash in what is rightfully ours. Do not be deceived. Listen to the voice that speaks to you and make sure it is the Spirit of truth. I was alone when this happened to me. But we are never alone. Ask your Papa questions. Make sure you access your communication with your Helper and Counselor at all times. You're going to need it.

You're about to win so much more you ever imagined you could have at a time.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

The Rejection Lie

 

Today, I want to tell you a story about rejection. 

When I was in 6th and 7th grade, I experienced the worst bullying experience. I was called all sorts of names and was beaten. My parents were called and told I was fighting in school. So my mother would beat me up again when I got home and my father would humiliate me at the dinner table.

I wanted to disappear.

I felt so rejected I tried to turn everywhere for attention and affection. I thought I would get my attention and affection from friends. But I was often rejected and replaced by my close friends too. My friend Claribel would visit my house with two other friends for the purpose of making fun of the way I lived. My friend Gisselle replaced me for another friend and was busy chasing after boys. And then I decided to make friends with two girls I didn’t have much in common with.

One day, those two friends decided to have a conversation with me. Their names were Walkiria and Bety. They had to speak to me about something. First, they told me they wanted to be honest with me. They asked me if I brushed my teeth. I said yes. Then they said I had bad breath. I took it well, but I never forgot it. I said I would make sure I brushed my teeth really well moving forward.

About a week later, they decided to have another conversation with me. This time, they told me they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. They wanted it to be just them. I couldn’t believe I was being rejected again.

A few days after that happened, I was walking toward the lunch room hungry, not expecting to eat. Walkiria was right next to me. I then saw 10 dominican pesos on the ground. I stopped walking and stopped Walkiria. I said: “Look!” She said: “Wow” and then she quickly picked up the 10 pesos. I reached to grab it from her and she said the 10 pesos were hers and that she would be willing to share 2 or 3 pesos out of her 10. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe this was happening. And then I realized I didn’t really want to be friends with someone like that anyways.

I spent most of my childhood by myself. I spent my time fantasizing about how things could be. My fantasies became better than my realities. I was very smart but I wasn’t a great student. I preferred to tune out of anything and everything that wasn’t pleasant. Soon, this became my default mechanism. I learned to live in my head trying to prove myself to those around me when I was interacting with them.

The lie that I wasn’t good enough, that nobody liked me, that there was something deeply wrong with me was embedded within me. Those years were the defining factors for all my self-esteem and self-worth. I believed that I was better for what I could do for people than for who I was. I didn’t believe there was importance to my personhood. To this day, I brush my teeth thoroughly twice in the morning and I pop cough drops all day.

It takes a lot for someone to just be themselves. It takes a lot because the enemy makes sure he orchestrates lies right at the moment of conception. If he can’t cause a physical abortion, he will try to abort the plans of God for our lives in our emotions and identity. It took until December 29th, 2018 for me to be pleased with who I am and not what I do. It’s been a long journey but nothing changed until I began to agree with the truth that God said about me.

God made me amazing. And I believe it. Every bit of it. I believe it whether others agree with me or not. I believe it whether I fail or succeed at something. I am incredible. And this is a reflection of how talented my Maker is.

I am attaching to this post a final presentation I did in the Spring of 2014. It was Nyack College’s Rite of Passage named Woman. My presentation has a lot to do with my journey and stepping into Identity and Womanhood.

Today, you can make the deliberate choice to go into your past and let God unveil the lies you believed. You make this choice not for the purpose of throwing a pity party for yourself. You do this so that God can heal you, so that God can speak truth into your life and so that you can come into agreement with this truth.

Choose to let God deeply heal you today. Choose to be who you really are; all of who you are.

 

Your hands have made and fashioned me;
    give me understanding that I may learn your commandments. Psalm 119:73 ESV

 

Here is my presentation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHsYU0NIRq4