Last Year On Thanksgiving Day, I Was In Love

With J*** on Thanksgiving Day

On a day like today, it is difficult not to think about where I was last year.

At this time, on this day, I was getting ready for my then-boyfriend to arrive here from Maryland. We had been dating for 3 months and we were on fire in love with each other. It was the first time he was going to meet my family. It was also the first time I was going to bring a boyfriend home.

We were happy to see each other but we also knew we were going to be around a lot of people, in the midst of a lot of commotion.

He was so very nervous when we arrived home. I didn't know why. He had been confident about it before, but this time he was really uneasy. As the night progressed, it seemed like he became more comfortable.

I thought we had a great time. My family liked him and he liked them. I found out later on he didn't have a good time at all. I expected some of the cultural shock, but I didn't know it was going to be so extreme. We slept at my parents' that night, and in the morning it seemed like he couldn't wait to get out of there.

I later found out why.

We had been discussing back and forth some details about our future. I kept pushing for us to live in New York, yet foreseeing the possibility of moving to Maryland when we were ready to have kids. He kept pushing for living in Maryland as soon as possible.

The morning after Thanksgiving, we were traveling to Maryland for him to make it to his church's Friday night program. When we were on our way, I found out why he had been so nervous.

He was about to tell me that he most definitely did not want to move to New York. He thought I was going to break up with him over it. He wanted to have a discussion about it before we left, so that if I wanted to break up with him, I wouldn't make it out to Maryland unnecessarily. I remember him telling me that he felt like I was holding his heart in my hands, and he had no idea if he was going okay or if I was going to crush him. No pressure, Anel.

So, we talked about it.

I told him that I wasn't opposed to moving to Maryland. I told him I actually liked his church family and was reserving my feelings about it because I wanted him to strongly consider New York. He told me it was my decision whether I wanted to move forward in the relationship or end it in light of his news.

I told him exactly what I felt. I told him that breaking it off gave me peace, but that I wasn't ready to face the heartbreak. I told him that staying in the relationship with him, though joyful, made me feel stuck. I felt like my life was already planned out. I had to be a part of this particular church. I had to live in this particular state. I had to live this particular life. I felt stuck.

He told me he didn't know why I felt that way. He told me hearing that from me really bothered him. I didn't know what to make of that. Ultimately, I gave in to his wishes. I thought: "I could be happy anywhere. God will use me anywhere and bless me anywhere. So, if this is that important to him, I'll give in."

The rest of that weekend is really blurry. I know we kept seeing each other almost every weekend during the holidays but I also remember it was the last time we were happy. December was the last time we shared a happy time together. Every month thereafter was a struggle. After going back and forth on our differences, sharing more time together and even going on a mission's trip to the Dominican Republic, we sill ended up breaking up in late May.

What did I learn about this? That I can't compromise. I was born to be free. It doesn't matter what state I get to live in as long as I'm doing ministry and serving the Lord. But I need to be free do to everything that God has called me to do, and I can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want or understand that. (If you want to read more about our differences, see my guest blog post on Amy F. Davis Abdallah's site)

Some people get upset with me when I talk about the possibility of being single for the rest of my life. Why is that a sad thing?

"I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that. This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away.

I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord." 1 Corinthians 7:26-35

No other time in my life have I understood these verses more.

So, today I am thankful for J***. I am thankful for what he taught me. I am thankful for my single life and for knowing what I want, and not compromising. I am thankful for my family, for my faith family, and for the ministry opportunities the Lord has opened up. I am thankful for Jesus and how He has restored my life.

It is okay to end relationships with good people. I wish I would've just known that. But today I am grateful for it. I am happier than I've ever been and more thankful than I've ever dreamt...

It is my ultimate joy to share all of these close relationships and so very many others I treasure so dearly. It is impossible to take these relationships for granted.

They fill my life and my heart with unending joy. I have learned to be grateful for what has been and is no longer, but to be even more grateful for what is.

Happy Thanksgiving :D I pray you count your blessings today.

Why Relationships Are The Toughest And Most Important

                            One of my dearest friends and I

I was having a conversation with my good friend Yisel about this just last week. I remember telling her: Relationships are so tough, and we can't escape them.

For most people, when they hear the word "relationship" they immediately attribute such to a romantic type of partnership. However, when I say this word I mean to use it in the broadest sense. I do this because first of all, I like to call things what they are. Second, I want to attribute meaning to something this society has simply devalued.

We live in a world where independence and individualism is valued. We even celebrate people who only care about their own affairs and make a blind eye to the cares of everyone else in the world. We say this is a smart thing to do. We say that we cannot please people and that everyone will always have a different opinion about you. 

For this matter, we like to isolate ourselves and live inside our little bubble. The truth is that we just don't want to get hurt or disappointed. We have lived separate from God all of our lives and many times we want the people around us to fill the needs that only God can fill. 

Eventually, we find out that no human can ever fulfill our needs and that they could never be flaw-less or disappointment-less. So we isolate ourselves. We make an island for ourselves that if it's not physical, it is surely mental and emotional. But we are lonely, and we are unhappy. 

Let me unpack some of the things I have said:

A relationship is any type of bond or connection a human being has with another human being. Relationships vary in time and nature. There are different ranks among relationships and there are different levels of loyalty and trust. 

Can I call the relationship I have with the cashier at the supermarket a relationship? Yes, I can. The nature of the relationship is one of service and consumer. The time I spend engaging in that relationship is brief. 

There are aspects of my life the cashier will never know about. But for some moments, that human being made in the image and likeness of God, provided a service to me. I smiled to this person. I shared a little dialogue. Perhaps I shared a piece of information that may prove to be helpful to this person or vice versa. That brief relationship and contact has now created an effect in my life or theirs. 

Why am I talking about this? Because I seek to give value to every interaction we have with every person. We don't live in a bubble or an island. My groceries do not get packed by themselves. I don't drive the public transportation bus myself. We need people. We need people so much that if I lived in a rural area where there are not a lot of people, I don't get to have a supermarket. I also don't get to have a gym, or a library. 

We need each other, so we need to start giving value to each other.

What about the people in our closest circles? We need to stop dismissing them and changing them like we do clothes. Everyone wants the same things. Everyone wants to be loved and appreciated. Everyone wants to live in community. But there is a price to pay to living in community. The price to pay is one of vulnerability. We need to take the risk of getting hurt. We need to take the risk of having difficult conversations and situations in the midst of our relationships. They are worth it. 

We need each other. If it wasn't for the many relationships and interactions I have had in my life, I would not be where I am. All of the lessons I have learned and how much I have grown are attributed to the relationships I have had.

The most profound relationship I have and the model for every other relationship is my relationship with God. One of us is perfect, so it could never quite equate to a human relationship. However, there are more things to learn about my relationship with God than any other relationship. So much so, that if my relationship with God is not solid, it is extremely difficult to have solid relationships with anyone else.

So what are some characteristics of relationship with God that bleed into human relationships?

First of all, there is no room for superficiality. I can never come to my relationship with God pretending I am someone I am not. I can be nothing less than raw and transparent. He demands the truth out of me. He is always true and always honest; and even if I'm not trying to be true and honest, He will still get the truth out of me. There is so much transparency in this relationship.

How many of our relationships have failed because we fail to be honest with each other? A lot. So, why don't we learn from from our relationship with God and practice transparency? It will be incredibly fruitful.

The second thing about my relationship with God is that it is intimate. It is something that He and I share, and no one else is invited to it. We are not afraid to say I love you. I am free to be my rawest self with Him. 

I should probably pause here and say that this rank of relationship is most definitely NOT for everyone. Married couples share their rawest self with their spouse. It is worrisome some do not. But besides that point, your rawest self is not for everyone. Jesus let John, James and Peter see things the other nine disciples never saw. So take note of that. A short list for this level of intimacy is optimal. Nevertheless, you should have people you get to be your rawest self with. If Jesus had them, why wouldn't you?

Lastly, God is in all of my affairs. He is there for every decision and every situation. He and others around me keep me accountable. And that is one of the most problematic things about how we live. We don't have people keeping us accountable and we don't want people keeping us accountable. This is how we end up making some terrible decisions. We need someone who knows our raw self to keep us accountable. 

So, are relationships complicated? Definitely. But are they worth it? Absolutely. You need all sorts of relationships. You need family, friends, acquaintances, networks, etc. You need people. You need people and you need God. The people around you not only teach you about God but they are also a reflection of Him. I'll leave you with this Bonhoeffer quote:

“Why is it that it is often easier for us to confess our sins to God than to a brother? God is holy and sinless, He is a just judge of evil and the enemy of all disobedience. But a brother is sinful as we are. He knows from his own experience the dark night of secret sin. Why should we not find it easier to go to a brother than to the holy God? But if we do, we must ask ourselves whether we have not often been deceiving ourselves with our confession of sin to God, whether we have not rather been confessing our sins to ourselves and also granting ourselves absolution...Who can give us the certainty that, in the confession and the forgiveness of our sins, we are not dealing with ourselves but with the living God? God gives us this certainty through our brother. Our brother breaks the circle of self-deception. A man who confesses his sins in the presence of a brother knows that he is no longer alone with himself; he experiences the presence of God in the reality of the other person.” 

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian Community

I Weep, And I Address America

I have three groups of people I want to address today. I will first address my predominantly White conservative Evangelicals. I will then address my non-Christian friends, LGBTQ friends, people of color, disabled friends and women. Thirdly, I will address what I consider the remnant of the Church in this hour; the ones who are looking at what is happening in the heavens, who are known by their love.


To My Predominantly White Evangelical Friends & Trump Supporters

There are two groups within you. To simply categorize you, there is a group of you who voted on policy and there is a group of you who voted because you believed Trump was "God's elect". For the first group I mentioned, you who felt strongly about not voting for a candidate who supported abortion. I respect that. I also understand that. I was not a Hillary supporter either. We have a very similar stance when it comes to this. You voted for policies you believed best served our country and that is admirable and honorable. But you are probably wondering why so many people are upset, saddened and confused by this election. I'm going to walk you through it.

The man elected has publicly made racist statements, xenophobic statements, sexist statements and offended even people with disabilities. While for you these things may not have been said seriously, for the rest of America these statements are very very serious. They are so serious someone could lose their job for making remarks like these at their places of work. For the American who does not fit any of these categories, this is something that is very difficult to understand. If you feel guilty about this, stop. We have enough White guilt going around. I don't like it and it doesn't help us. Instead of feeling guilty about your position, I want you to understand what it's like for any of these group of people to watch this man be the leader of their nation. It is something that deeply hurts. It is a heavy heavy sentiment. For these groups, it feels like America has failed them. It feels like America really truly doesn't want us. And though we had felt it in the past, it has never been so blatant. It has never been so rampant. If you had any doubts that racism, sexism, xenophobia and homophobia still existed in America, just look at the consequences just hours after Trump was elected president. Now the people who hid these feelings and ideas feel that they have permission to outwardly express them; because Trump is their president. You have to admit the things he said would surface ugly feelings in many people's hearts. You have to admit to this when the KKK avidly supports Trump. Understand the people who are not in your shoes. Comfort them. Show them different. Show them you accept them and love them. Show them you do not represent the idea the president you elected represents for them. Read more about this on John Pavlovitz Address: White Christians Who Voted For Donald Trump. Fix This. Now.

Now I'm going to address the Christians who believe Trump is God's elect. I want you to think about what the fruit of "God's elect" has brought forth in this nation at this hour. I want you to think about the division we are currently living in. I want you to think about the children that are weeping because they believe they will be separated from their parents. I want you to think about the sentiments of the Black community when so many senseless deaths have taken place in the past two years. I want you to think about the Church. I want you to think about the church no longer being a safe place where everyone can come and encounter Christ. The church, according to the rest of America, is a place for only White privileged people. The Church has compromised the safety of our society. The church, according to the rest of America, has just confirmed how much Hypocrisy it embraces. So I want you to think about the "fruit" that Trump being pronounced as "God's elect" has brought forth. I want you to think about the fact that this man did not at any point make any mention of God in his victory speech. You cannot bring God into your decision to vote for Mr. Trump. You voted for Mr. Trump, not God. You had a choice and God let you choose as you wished. So please stop all of the prophetic manipulation. Admit you didn't want Hillary and you voted for the lesser of two evils in your sight. You are hurting the afflicted with your remarks about God and you are not walking in love. You need to repent.

To My LGBTQ Friends, My Fellow Women, My People Of Color, My Friends With Disabilities, My Muslim Friends And My Immigrant People

Please please, I implore you with all of me to hear me: I am a Christian, and I am GRIEVED. I am crying as I am writing this post. I am so sorry the dream you had to see your first woman president was torn to pieces by people who say they are believers like me. I wanted to see a woman president as well. I may not have liked Hillary, but she represents so much more unity than Trump ever has and ever will. More than a president, we needed someone to look up to. Regardless of the policies I disagreed with, she made her best effort to bring people together through her speech and demeanor. She never once offended any group of people. And with all the limitations in politics, she made her best effort to remain neutral. I am sorry. I am sorry your voice is less heard today than it was yesterday. I am sorry your future is jeopardized. I am sorry you have experienced more of the bullying and the abuse. I am sorry so many more sexist men feel like they can do whatever they want with you. I am so so sorry. I mourn with you. I will fight for you. I will defend you. I will comfort you. I will protect you as a Christian, as a woman and as an immigrant, I am here, for you.

To the True Remnant of Jesus Christ

This is the opportune time to rise up with the ruthless love of Christ. Who is going to comfort a hurting America? You are. Who is going to be a true example of Christ in this generation? You are. Who is going to call out the proud and loveless who claim to be like Jesus? You are. It is time for the true praying generation to rise up. It is time for the generation who sees beyond what is happening in the natural realm and understands this is a great time for reaping. This is the time to sift out those who do not belong and take our place as the true Bride of Christ. The true Bride of Christ understands that our hope is not in the government. Our hope is truly truly in Christ.The true Bride of Christ does not waste time in politics. The true Bride of Christ spends her time praying, worshiping, loving Jesus and others with their last breath. This is the time for the true Bride of Jesus Christ. If you thought you were alone, you need to know now that you are not alone. We stand with you. We love with you. We pray with you. Let's rise up. It's our Kairos time.

So these are my thoughts for America. I hope that it helps clarify some things for people for whatever it's worth. I promised that I would be honest with my writing and this is it. If you understood why I wrote this, let me know. If this brought you any clarity, or if you need more clarity, let me know. I will be here, present; and I will not be quiet. I love you. All of you.

My Mind, My Mind, Why Does My Mind Do That??

My overthinking face in 2010

Do you have some coping mechanisms you used as a child?
Do you find yourself still using them also as an adult? I do too.

My coping mechanism is my own mind. There were several things I did with my mind in order to cope with my reality... But let me first talk about why I needed a coping mechanism:

Ideally, a child would grow up in a home where he/she is affirmed. That means that their parents would understand who the child is, and they'd speak into their traits and attributes in a positive way. They would value their feelings, thoughts, ideas and even their decisions at times. My parents, however, had no grid to understand that, let alone offer it to me. It wasn't something they grew up with or watched anyone in their environment do. And that is okay. However, this hurt me deeply.

I had things said to me that were very damaging and hurtful. Everything from not being good enough to comments about my body were made on a regular basis. To make matters worse, I was also bullied at school physically, mentally and emotionally. When you put all of these things together, you begin to understand why a ten year old child would see suicide as their only option. Thankfully, God didn't allow me to commit suicide.

What would I then do when these things were said to me? I began to tune out. I cannot tell you how much I would daydream. I would daydream so much, that by the time I got to High School this became my favorite past time. If I heard something I didn't like in class, I would automatically go into a daydream. I would get home from school, sit in my room, think and daydream for hours. I would do this until night time. I hated my reality, so I would invent an alternate one. I fantasized about writing all of the fantastic ideas I was having; and I would dream about producing a book out of them someday. 

My favorite thing to do was to go away in my thoughts. What I didn't realize is that I was so good at it, I became detached from the world. I didn't know how to have normal conversations with people. My conversations were too deep, and at times just too angry. Anything that was unfair in this world would make me angry.

I would also stage all different kinds of scenarios. I would think in my head the words I would say to people before I'd say them. I would plan out in my head their different responses so that I would know how to reply to them. I could have 7 different scenarios planned out in my head about a 2 minute conversation. I didn't know it at the time, but the thought of unpredictable conversations or scenarios would give me anxiety.

I loved to protect myself in this way. Living in anxiety, constant thinking, planning and daydreaming was my ticket to a safe life. I wanted to control every aspect of my life. But that is virtually impossible. I cannot worry my way through life.

In college, I realized I had a real problem with living in the moment. I didn't know how to do that, not at all. I didn't know how to have fun conversations. I didn't know how to be carefree. It took a lot on my part to begin to heal those areas; and then some more effort when I would encounter triggers.

In 2010, I began to come out a little bit out of my shell. But then there was someone who was a father figure to me who was extremely unpredictable; sometimes happy and sometimes hostile. This person triggered the highest level of anxiety I had ever had since I was young. It was so bad, I was essentially paralyzed and could hardly complete any task. 

In 2013, after a lot of inner healing, I had an impossible-to-please-professor who triggered my anxiety through the roof. In addition to this, I had a very hostile manager that sent several of us to therapy, as I learned later. This is when the anxiety and fear was the absolute worst. I fully believe that if someone would've checked the constant pounding of my heart, I would have been admitted to the hospital. I was terrified of my own shadow. I finally decided to get some professional counseling my school offered for free. I was then diagnosed with two anxiety disorders. One of them was Panic Disorder and the other was Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I discovered the latter one before I was diagnosed because I read it in a book for my Abnormal Psychology class. I wrote a 10 page research paper on it. (Actually, I wrote 20 pages, became extremely anxious while attempting to cut it down, and my professor allowed me to turn it in with 16 pages, after a discussion.) 

Now I knew what the problem was and I could give myself some grace. I stopped being anxious about being anxious. In therapy, I learned about Cognitive Behavioral Theory. Understanding what the problem was along with some solutions worked to an extent... but the mind cannot heal itself.

The Spirit of the Living God is the only one that can heal.

That year -2013- the Lord called me into a Daniel fast for the year. It was a year of wholesome consecration, identity and Sabbath rest. It was also the year in which the Lord began to take me on out-of-body experiences. It was eye-opening to see how persistent my mind could be in trying to understand the mysterious things the Spirit of the Living God was doing. The Lord told me to be fully present in these experiences and He would later bring them to remembrance so that I could write them down. 

During that time is when I experienced the overwhelming and supernatural peace of the Lord all over again. This is also when I went back to my First Love. That's when I discovered and trusted that God was completely safe again. He is not partly safe. He is 100% safe. 

Shortly after my fast began, the enemy began to attack my closest friends. All of them were struggling with different things and had no grid to understand my season. I care very deeply about the people in my life, so I came out of my season in hopes I could help my friends. But can you guess what happened afterwards? I couldn't help them, and I went back to relying on the anxiety and overthinking. I ultimately gave up on my friends and I tried to go back into my season as best as I could. I had lost momentum, yet I still took hold of some great heavenly things between 2014 and this year.

Where am I now? I am right in between. I am having extremely rich and amazing experiences with the Lord, but my mind wants to kick back in. I am incredibly in tune with the Spirit realm, seeing angels, miracles and experiencing the power and goodness of God on a regular basis. It's almost as if my mind thinks that it could out-think Holy Spirit. It thinks that it could do a better job. I am so used to having my mind in control that it wants to override the levels in which Holy Spirit is taking me 

It takes everything within me to just. let. go. I cannot out-think my way out of thinking. Like I said, my mind cannot heal my mind. I have to let go so that Holy Spirit can guide my mind completely. When I let Holy Spirit do that, it is so quiet up there. I am not thinking about a million things that will never happen. I think about what is important in the moment. I am more present. I am more joyful. I am carefree. I am more loving. I am more Anel.

My coping habit has damaged so many things over the course of my life. I truly had no idea how much damage I was doing to my own self, and how much satan used my weaknesses to withhold blessings from me. The enemy used my mind to not only say lies to me, but to bring panic and suspicion. My mind, my dear friend, instead of working for me, began to work against me.

The same lady I mentioned on the picture of last week's post also said: "The Lord says that you're very smart-and that's good, He has given you your intelligence- but He also says that sometimes your thinking gets in the way of what He wants to do, so He is putting that away for a while." Wow! That was such a timely word.

Where am I now? I am so much better than I used to be. My friends can attest to say that who I am is a 180 degree difference than who I used to be. But the Lord is calling me to another level. So I have to let go completely. I am letting go of my dear coping mechanism. I am choosing to let the Spirit of the Living God guide me. He is the only one who can keep me safe. 

My mind belongs to Jesus. He is the Truth. He sets me free, and I am free. 

If you want to read some more about exposing fear and anxiety, you can read my Odyssey article

Fear Almost killed me...

So, what about you? Do you want to journey into mental, emotional and spiritual freedom with me?                                             Stay tuned...