What I learned From Losing it All

Photo of the team of the Building Mission Trip to the Dominican Republic

The mission trip to the Dominican Republic was busy. We would wake up at 6am every day. We worked all day at the site building, painting, wiring electricity, plumbing, staining, cleaning, you name it. We would wait a long time at the hotel for dinner, have group devotions, go to sleep between 10 to 11pm and do it all over again the next day. I had pretty bad allergies so I did not sleep at all most nights. I was exhausted and sick but I enjoyed it. I made some great friends and saw all the work we had put into the site at the end. I said to John when it was all done: "I can't believe everything got accomplished, even the fact that in the middle of it all, we got see my sick grandmother in the capital." John said to me: "In my experience, I have learned that no matter what happens in life, it keeps on going. Life doesn't stop for you." He was so right.

Do you know how many times in my life I stopped it all because something went wrong? A lot. Every time misfortune came I pretty much stopped living. I would get depressed, eat an abundance of food, binge watch movies and series, refrain from people and pretty much give up. But every time I lost something this past year, I had to keep on going.

When I lost my job. I still had to make payments to grad school, to my loans, to my rent, to my cell phone bill. I could not stop paying simply because I had been let go. I had to pay out of my savings and pray that I could generate some new income before I ran out of money completely.

When I interviewed for jobs and didn't get hired. I had to continue applying for my jobs. I had to not get dismayed because I still had bills to pay. As scary and disconcerting as it was, I had to continue to get turned down.

When I realized I could not go to graduate school anymore. I had to look for other options. I had to have a new plan. How many years was I going to work just to pay off my debt? How can I pay off my debt creatively? What affordable schools in the counseling field could I look into?

When I had to move out. I could not pay rent anymore. I had ran out of money. I had just gotten hired part time, on and off, but I still could not make ends meet. I had to move out and move in with my parents. I had to sleep in the living room and hope I land a full time job soon so that I can move out again.

When I filled out my taxes and didn't get back the 5k I paid in loan interest alone but instead ended up having to pay. I couldn't not pay my taxes. I couldn't force the IRS to give me back loan interest money, or tuition money, or exempt me from the self-employed tax. I had to come up with the money and I had to get over it. And as a result of that I also had to look into other job industries I have no experience in. My grand plan to pay my loans in 3 years had failed miserably because I realized that I would actually end up with more debt rather than being debt free.

We have to move on, right? The problem is that I only kinda sorta did. I have been depressed most of this year and instead of holding on to God and believing him, I just got depressed and simply existed. I gained weight. I stopped exercising. I had nothing but sad stories for my boyfriend all day, every day. I blamed it on everyone. I blamed it on the government and the tax system. I blamed it on the companies that didn't hire me. I blamed it on my church and how ministry was so different there than on my college campus. I blamed it on my boyfriend because he was so different than I am. I blamed it on my parents and how loud they are. I looked at everyone's wrongs but mine. I didn't want to look at my faults. I was already so depressed, why would I do that? Why would I admit to my sin and accept my human limitations before the Lord? I should have and I didn't.

Life goes on. But I can't stall. I can't make excuses. I can process my pain and my losses in prayer before God. In fact, I am required to. But when that is all done, and my God comforts me, and gives me hope, and my faith arises, I move on. I have to move on. I can be tired but I can keep on going. I can be sick but I can keep on going. I can be disappointed but I can keep on going.

Losing, after all, can be the greatest gain. It allows us to shed off a bunch on things that were never supposed to be attached to us anyways. Losing sheds pride. It sheds control. It sheds idols. Losing is a blessing, And losing is part of life.

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? Matthew 16:24-26