Photo from last month's Building Mission to the Dominican Republic
I planned on publishing a different post today. The post's title is What I learned From Losing It All. I wrote that post last Saturday. Then, this past Sunday, I almost lost somebody.
A tragedy like this was the last thing on my mind this past weekend. I had spent a great Sunday with my Youth Pastors visiting my previous church. There was, however, a funeral happening afterwards from someone who had passed. I didn't want to go because I knew it would hurt. See, losing things, is very different from losing someone. When I lost someone 2 years ago, I felt like I was going to die. Now every time someone is gone, I stay away from the family members that are most grieved because that same unbearable pain comes back to me. I know I shouldn't avoid it. Losing someone is part of life too. I know it will happen again in my life. But I'm in denial.
I texted John on Sunday assuming he was at work and that he was driving. He replies saying that he's in the hospital, that he passed out at work. I become concerned and ask many questions. The nurse texts me after that. She tells me that John's heart stopped 3 times so far and that I need to call his sister and stepfather. I do that in fight or flight mode and then have a panic attack. I went to Maryland that evening, still high on intense worry. What was going on through my mind? "He's gone. I'll never see him again. If his heart stopped 3 times, it will stop again. Did I tell him everything I needed to say?" I was so scared. I was scared up until Wednesday, when he was discharged from the hospital.
Why am I so scared of people leaving? If John would've left, he would've been with the Lord. I know where he is going. But why am I scared? ... I'm scared because of me. It is a selfish fear. In being afraid of John leaving, I'm not showing concern for John. I am concerned about the pain I am going to feel if John leaves. When my grandfather passed away and I asked the Lord to resurrect him, the Lord asked me: "You want me to do that because it's the best thing for him or for you?"
We are selfish. We hold on to people. We hold on to things. We don't trust God.
From now on I want to focus my efforts differently when it comes to people's lives, their grief and the potential grief.
I want to love them while they are alive. I want to make sure that if anyone is suddenly gone in my life I will never say I didn't get a chance to tell them I love them. I want to make sure that I preach the gospel to them; that they know that this life is nothing compared to what is coming. As much as it hurts to be around grieving people, they are still here. I should spend that time with them. I should be present letting them know they are loved and that they are in my prayers.
I want to rejoice in the ones who go. I want to celebrate the blessing they have been to my life and to others'. I want to hold on to the hope that I will see them again in heaven. I want to cherish the memories, process the pain and trust in God. I want to trust God. I want to truly trust God.
I want to be drenched in God's Word. I want to hold on to his promises. I want to take comfort in His words. No matter what happens, He will be there. He will not pass away. He will be with me, with the ones who grief, with the ones who pass. He is God. I want my focus and everyone else's focus to be on Him. If John goes or anyone else in my life, I will not have lost; I would've gained someone else I'll recognize in heaven.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3,4
“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. John 14:1-4
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