I Wanted Everyone Around Me to Give Me What Only God Could

Every child in the world has basic needs that are all met through relationships. The need for security, affirmation, safety and affection is what makes or breaks an individual. Long after our childhood years end, we engage fiercely in the pursuit of getting all of these needs met.

I pursued all of these as an adult.

In college, I wanted all of my mentors and leaders to give me the affirmation I always sought from my parents. I was in pain when they fell short in doing so. Often times, leaders are busy with many responsibilities to care for. I was hurt when they wouldn’t give me the time I desired to receive from them. I was also hurt when their own brokenness and faults would cause them to ignore me or address me in an unloving manner. I would project all of the pain I felt from my upbringing to my leaders and mentors. My hurt feelings were magnified because they were filtered through the pain of unmet childhood needs.

After college, I entered a relationship with a man who made me feel safe. I traded my identity and my call as a daughter of God for the safety of this relationship. This man would always find a way to talk to me and be present. He was also very affectionate and generous. He would treat me with care and honor. I felt safe. I felt loved. I proceeded to forego all of the other red flags. He was also broken and was actually trying to get his needs met through relationship with me. This was a recipe for disaster. Once he realized he couldn’t get all his needs met through relationship with me, he left me and all of my self-esteem and self-worth was gone too.

Two years ago, I entered another relationship with someone I called “My brother.” All of the unmet needs I lacked from my relationship with my younger brother were now being projected unto this individual. I was okay when he was mean or rude to me. I made excuses for his behavior. I over-extended my time and resources just to give him what he wanted or needed. Ultimately, the relationship ended in shipwreck. I realized we were feeding off each other’s dysfunctions and I put an end to it.  

Our heavenly Father affirms us and has our constant attention. We don’t need to seek it from a leader or mentor when we are so fiercely affirmed. He keeps us safe and secure. He is always present and always affectionate in multifaceted ways. We don’t need these things from a romantic relationship when we receive an overabundance of these needs from our Abba. He is the one who heals our deepest wounds. He restores relationships. He mends our hearts. He causes us to be attached to Him as opposed to another broken individual. Our souls are made to attach to the right sources in healthy ways.

Learning about my behavior toward every relationship I entered into made me understand where my heart was. When my heart is right with God, He causes my heart to also be right with others. I can love others and enter relationship with them because I genuinely love them and can give them from the overflow of the affection and affirmation I get from my heavenly Father.

Now think to yourself: Why do you have relationship with the people you have relationship with? Are those relationships healthy? Are there needs you can recognize you are trying to meet through relationship with others? What is God saying to you personally about your unmet needs?