Writing For Me

I have been a writer for so many years. I fell in love with words and all I wanted to do was find ways to say what could only be felt. I am writing, for me. I am writing for my own deliverance. I am writing for my own freedom. I am writing for my own hope, and joy and love. I am writing because it was the first thing I did that allowed me to be me.

I could dress up my world in any way I needed to dress it. I could change the narrative of a life I didn't want. But now, I could deliver the narrative of a life that I do want. A life that I enjoy. A life that I love. And I truly love my life. God has blessed me so much, and I want to share these blessings with the world. 

I am writing for me. Not because I have something grand, or amazing, or incredible to say. But simply because I love writing. I feel like a swimmer going back into the water. 

And this post, is my first dive.

The Transition Lie

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, then the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”  CS Lewis

When my parents kicked me out of the house at 18 years old, I felt powerless and helpless. Anxiety crippled me. I couldn't find a job. I was at a transition.

When I began college at 20 years old, I was unprepared for the real world. I was still learning American culture. My professors and classmates scared me with their grown-up jobs and big words. I was a transition.

When I was at college at 26 years old, I was diagnosed with 2 anxiety disorders. I struggled with my classes and I was experiencing more spiritual warfare than I could understand or handle. I was at a transition.

When I graduated college, got my first grown-up job, moved where I wanted, lived my best life and suddenly lost it all, I lost myself too. I was at a transition.

Transitions are indications we are going to grow. We were created to grow, and not just grow but blossom. We grow in the most interesting environments. Sometimes you are the odd flower that grows where there is nothing but grass.

There you are. Alone. And so beautiful.

The grass can't understand you; you're different. People pass you by and you stand out. Someone plucks you out. And it hurts. There is an indescribable anguish when you are held in unknown hands and taken to an unknown place.

But you know Who is holding you. It's that same hand who has watched you grow, who has gently comforted you and who has decided it's time for you to be at a better place.

Here's the truth: You're going to be okay. In fact, you will be better than you've ever been.

So here is the question I ask you, the same question my Papa has been asking me:

Will you trust I know best? Here's His song over you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSDkn9PtQm0

I Wanted Everyone Around Me to Give Me What Only God Could

Every child in the world has basic needs that are all met through relationships. The need for security, affirmation, safety and affection is what makes or breaks an individual. Long after our childhood years end, we engage fiercely in the pursuit of getting all of these needs met.

I pursued all of these as an adult.

In college, I wanted all of my mentors and leaders to give me the affirmation I always sought from my parents. I was in pain when they fell short in doing so. Often times, leaders are busy with many responsibilities to care for. I was hurt when they wouldn’t give me the time I desired to receive from them. I was also hurt when their own brokenness and faults would cause them to ignore me or address me in an unloving manner. I would project all of the pain I felt from my upbringing to my leaders and mentors. My hurt feelings were magnified because they were filtered through the pain of unmet childhood needs.

After college, I entered a relationship with a man who made me feel safe. I traded my identity and my call as a daughter of God for the safety of this relationship. This man would always find a way to talk to me and be present. He was also very affectionate and generous. He would treat me with care and honor. I felt safe. I felt loved. I proceeded to forego all of the other red flags. He was also broken and was actually trying to get his needs met through relationship with me. This was a recipe for disaster. Once he realized he couldn’t get all his needs met through relationship with me, he left me and all of my self-esteem and self-worth was gone too.

Two years ago, I entered another relationship with someone I called “My brother.” All of the unmet needs I lacked from my relationship with my younger brother were now being projected unto this individual. I was okay when he was mean or rude to me. I made excuses for his behavior. I over-extended my time and resources just to give him what he wanted or needed. Ultimately, the relationship ended in shipwreck. I realized we were feeding off each other’s dysfunctions and I put an end to it.  

Our heavenly Father affirms us and has our constant attention. We don’t need to seek it from a leader or mentor when we are so fiercely affirmed. He keeps us safe and secure. He is always present and always affectionate in multifaceted ways. We don’t need these things from a romantic relationship when we receive an overabundance of these needs from our Abba. He is the one who heals our deepest wounds. He restores relationships. He mends our hearts. He causes us to be attached to Him as opposed to another broken individual. Our souls are made to attach to the right sources in healthy ways.

Learning about my behavior toward every relationship I entered into made me understand where my heart was. When my heart is right with God, He causes my heart to also be right with others. I can love others and enter relationship with them because I genuinely love them and can give them from the overflow of the affection and affirmation I get from my heavenly Father.

Now think to yourself: Why do you have relationship with the people you have relationship with? Are those relationships healthy? Are there needs you can recognize you are trying to meet through relationship with others? What is God saying to you personally about your unmet needs?

 

 

The Relationship Lie

When I was 7 years old, I used to watch a lot of soap operas with my family. It is a common thing to watch soap operas in a Hispanic household. I was young and still learning the difference between what was real and what was fantasy. I remember my mother would answer my questions about how women get pregnant. She said that men and women get married and then they would finally kiss. When they kissed on their wedding day, that kiss made the woman become pregnant and then they had a baby.

One day, I was playing with my older male cousin. We ended up hiding underneath a bunk bed we had in the kitchen. When we were underneath the bed, I had the grand idea to tell him that we should pretend we are in a soap opera. So we kissed in the mouth. It wasn't until it happened that it dawned on me that was probably not a great idea. And then I remembered what my mother told me. I wasn't supposed to kiss anyone until my wedding day. Now I was pregnant- or so I thought. (Isn't a child's mind funny like that?)

I came out from under the bed and stood up. I was determined to not talk to my cousin again. I looked at my belly and put my hand on it. Then I said: "Don't worry. I'll find a father for you." It was all very dramatic, but it was very real in my head. I thought that hidden cameras followed people around and that's how they would end up on the television. Therefore, everything I did was extra dramatic, just as I observed in the soap operas.

Eventually, I grew out of this phase. Yet, I didn't realize how much of an impact the media had on my view of relationships.

I wrote letters to a fictional soap opera character when I was 13. I fell obsessively in love with a young man who had dissociative personality disorder. My first boyfriend was a man 8 years older than me whom I tried to put in the category of a savior or rescuer. Then I fell obsessively in love again with someone who catfished me. My last boyfriend was the most "normal" one, yet again it was a relationship full of drama and intense emotions. God protected me so much, but I forced myself into dysfunctional dramatic relationships. Part of the reason was my own dysfunction, my brokenness and the absence of a father's love. But a lot of it was also the construct of the media.

Have you ever thought about how what you have watched and experienced has influenced your view of relationships? Who teaches us how to have healthy relationships but Christ?

Ponder upon your view of every type of relationship in your life: Parent-Offspring, Significant other, Friend, Sibling, etc. Who taught you how to have these relationships? Do these relationships work for you or do they leave something to be desired?

Next week, I will write a post titled: "I Wanted Everyone Around Me To Give Me What Only God Could".

The Truth Lie

When I was in 7th grade, I was in a class with 53 students. The classrooms were very large. The teachers would come to our classroom every time there was a change of period. There was a particular subject called Civics that used to be taught on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I remember the day was a Thursday.

In the middle of changing periods, I stood up and went up to the chalkboard. I began to draw a heart with the chalk. Then I remember feeling a punch hit my back. I turned around and there were 4 students standing behind me. They all responded with a hostile: "What?! Are you trying to say one of us hit you?". I decided to turn back around to the chalkboard, forget it happened and mind my own business. I had been bullied heavily in that school before when I was in 6th grade. I didn't want any trouble to start up again, so I thought that whoever hit me would probably not do it again. When I turned back around to continue to draw hearts, I felt another hand hit me on my right arm. When I turned around, the same thing happened and they reacted hostile. But as I turned, someone else pushed me on my back. When I turned again to see, someone else had hit me on my back again on the other side. More students were added each time, making it difficult to discern what was happening. I was in the middle of being hit by 20 students who yelled and screamed in the middle of changing periods.

When the teacher arrived, she was told that I was hitting students and that I said that I couldn't get in trouble because my aunt was the school's vice principal. I didn't even know they knew my dad was related to the school's vice principal. But once again, this was told to my parents.

I drowned in the lies of many around me. I suffered physical, emotional and mental abuse. To this day, I still wonder sometimes if I actually did say any of those things. I wonder if I was responsible in any way for these things to happen. And I have played this narrative with many other things in my life. I blamed myself for the things that others did to me. I blamed myself for demonic situations the enemy clearly orchestrated around me. And this was his tactic. His strategy was to make me think that I was responsible for things that happened that should have never happened.

Is my truth a lie? No. It's not. It happened. It was real.

Sometimes people do evil things. But God's truth is always there to shield us, to speak to us, to comfort. We are who our Heavenly Father says we are. We are heard and our voice matters. I don't have to make myself loud. I just have to agree with the truth that is spoken over me and the Truth that lives inside of me.

Can you find yourself in this anecdote? What is the truth your Heavenly Father is speaking over you today?

"and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

The Deception Lies

Have you ever been deceived? Ever believed something was true that was actually a complete lie?

Yep, it's happened to me.

When I was around 7 years old, my aunt sent me to the store by myself. This was uncommon, so I felt incredibly proud about it. I was purchasing a 2 liter soda. She gave me 100 pesos and I held unto them for dear life. I had an empty deposit bottle in one hand and the 100 pesos bill on the other hand. What I didn't know was that you were never supposed to let people see you with money in your hands. I did. I held unto one end of those 100 pesos and let the other end of the bill swing as I walked toward the store.

Someone saw me.

He said: "Hey! Say hello to your uncle!" I said: "Huh?" He said: "I'm your uncle. You don't remember me? I know your mom and dad". I said: "Ohhh, okay". Then he said: "I actually bought you a Barbie doll. It's right there." I said: "Where?" He pointed to a house where there was some construction being done. He then said: "Go, and tell them to give you your Barbie doll. I'll hold on to this while you go."

I was clueless. I agreed. I gave him the money and walked over. The construction men had no clue what I was talking about. I was so confused. I turned to tell my "uncle". But he was gone. I was confused all the more.

When I returned home, I told the story to my aunt. She told me I got robbed. But how could this be? It wasn't even on my radar! I didn't believe I got robbed until I thought about everything that had happened for a good long while.

As I reflect on this story, I can't help but think about the things we think are true that are actually not. I have been deceived so many times by the enemy. He's made me think untrue things I have believed to the degree that there seemed to not be another reality.

Have you ever thought about what you call "Reality"? Is it true that your life will always be this way? What about the people in your life? Is what you believe about them really true? The enemy is always looking after the gold in us just as the thief was looking after my 100 pesos. He speaks a lie to us and then all he needs is to create a distraction to then rob us.

Do not get distracted.

This is the season to cash in what is rightfully ours. Do not be deceived. Listen to the voice that speaks to you and make sure it is the Spirit of truth. I was alone when this happened to me. But we are never alone. Ask your Papa questions. Make sure you access your communication with your Helper and Counselor at all times. You're going to need it.

You're about to win so much more you ever imagined you could have at a time.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

The Rejection Lie

 

Today, I want to tell you a story about rejection. 

When I was in 6th and 7th grade, I experienced the worst bullying experience. I was called all sorts of names and was beaten. My parents were called and told I was fighting in school. So my mother would beat me up again when I got home and my father would humiliate me at the dinner table.

I wanted to disappear.

I felt so rejected I tried to turn everywhere for attention and affection. I thought I would get my attention and affection from friends. But I was often rejected and replaced by my close friends too. My friend Claribel would visit my house with two other friends for the purpose of making fun of the way I lived. My friend Gisselle replaced me for another friend and was busy chasing after boys. And then I decided to make friends with two girls I didn’t have much in common with.

One day, those two friends decided to have a conversation with me. Their names were Walkiria and Bety. They had to speak to me about something. First, they told me they wanted to be honest with me. They asked me if I brushed my teeth. I said yes. Then they said I had bad breath. I took it well, but I never forgot it. I said I would make sure I brushed my teeth really well moving forward.

About a week later, they decided to have another conversation with me. This time, they told me they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. They wanted it to be just them. I couldn’t believe I was being rejected again.

A few days after that happened, I was walking toward the lunch room hungry, not expecting to eat. Walkiria was right next to me. I then saw 10 dominican pesos on the ground. I stopped walking and stopped Walkiria. I said: “Look!” She said: “Wow” and then she quickly picked up the 10 pesos. I reached to grab it from her and she said the 10 pesos were hers and that she would be willing to share 2 or 3 pesos out of her 10. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe this was happening. And then I realized I didn’t really want to be friends with someone like that anyways.

I spent most of my childhood by myself. I spent my time fantasizing about how things could be. My fantasies became better than my realities. I was very smart but I wasn’t a great student. I preferred to tune out of anything and everything that wasn’t pleasant. Soon, this became my default mechanism. I learned to live in my head trying to prove myself to those around me when I was interacting with them.

The lie that I wasn’t good enough, that nobody liked me, that there was something deeply wrong with me was embedded within me. Those years were the defining factors for all my self-esteem and self-worth. I believed that I was better for what I could do for people than for who I was. I didn’t believe there was importance to my personhood. To this day, I brush my teeth thoroughly twice in the morning and I pop cough drops all day.

It takes a lot for someone to just be themselves. It takes a lot because the enemy makes sure he orchestrates lies right at the moment of conception. If he can’t cause a physical abortion, he will try to abort the plans of God for our lives in our emotions and identity. It took until December 29th, 2018 for me to be pleased with who I am and not what I do. It’s been a long journey but nothing changed until I began to agree with the truth that God said about me.

God made me amazing. And I believe it. Every bit of it. I believe it whether others agree with me or not. I believe it whether I fail or succeed at something. I am incredible. And this is a reflection of how talented my Maker is.

I am attaching to this post a final presentation I did in the Spring of 2014. It was Nyack College’s Rite of Passage named Woman. My presentation has a lot to do with my journey and stepping into Identity and Womanhood.

Today, you can make the deliberate choice to go into your past and let God unveil the lies you believed. You make this choice not for the purpose of throwing a pity party for yourself. You do this so that God can heal you, so that God can speak truth into your life and so that you can come into agreement with this truth.

Choose to let God deeply heal you today. Choose to be who you really are; all of who you are.

 

Your hands have made and fashioned me;
    give me understanding that I may learn your commandments. Psalm 119:73 ESV

 

Here is my presentation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHsYU0NIRq4

The Comparison Lie

 

When I was 3 years old, I was the prettiest loveliest most adored little girl. I was convinced of it. I remember the compliments. I remember the birthday gifts. I remember people’s attention on me. I was loved and cherished. All of these things were true about myself. But they didn’t seem to ring so true as time went by.

I found out I had an older sister. She was beautiful. She was also good at everything she did. I wanted to be like her but it didn’t seem as if she wanted any type of relationship with me. And then the comments began… You know, the comparison comments. “Why can’t she be more like her… Why can’t she do what she does?” And this is where all insecurity begins: at the root of comparison.

I began to question myself, and one lie led to another. “I’m not that pretty. I’m not that astute. I’m not that loved, liked or enjoyed” As a child, I was particularly insecure about my lips. I was made fun of at school and the comments at home just made it worse. I began to think that perhaps in the future I could get surgery. But for the time being, I will try to hide my lips as much as possible. Sometimes my siblings would even say that my lips were getting smaller.

Isn’t it crazy how little lies prompt us to hide the most beautiful parts of ourselves?

When I was a teenager, I realized my lips were actually really beautiful. I began to embrace that part of myself and see it in a completely different light. But that wasn’t until I embraced the truth. There has not been one lie I have ever believed that hasn’t fallen off because of the overwhelming power of a truth. This is not a mind exercise or a simple reminder: this is a work of the heart.

The lies I believed did not just enter my mind, they entered my heart as well. They bruised me. They hit my self-esteem. For that lie to be fully eradicated, I did not just have to come out of agreement with it and renounce it: I had to let the truth have its full work in me. I had to let it penetrate my heart and lift me up.

This is true not just of lies pertaining our bodies and self-image. This is true about every single lie we have ever believed about ourselves, about God, about people and the world we live in.

What lies have you believed that need the full work of Truth in your heart today?

"And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free" John 8:32 ESV 

The Puberty Lie

 

I was 10 years old and I was concerned about my body. I remember right before the new school year, I began to worry if my body was going to “blossom” like I saw many of my friends’ bodies blossom during the summer time. It hadn’t happen to me and I started to get concerned.

I couldn’t understand for the life of me why there was no apparent growth on my chest. Later on, I found out my friends began to get their periods. That was why they were suddenly developing but, nothing for me.

I remember one of my “developed” friends talking about someone she liked and how they were so in love. I began to think I needed someone to like too. After all, I just really wanted to be like one of the girls. So, I began to like this boy at school. It seemed as if he liked me too but I noticed he liked touching my buttocks. I thought that perhaps this was normal behavior until I overheard my mother say that I should never allow anyone to touch my body.

So, the next day I went to school determined to tell this boy he could no longer do that. He got upset. He then tried to corner me in one of the classrooms and began to demand that I kiss him. I said no. Within three days, he began to like another girl, probably the most “developed” girl in the entire school. I didn’t know it then. It seemed so innocent, such a normal occurrence for kids to experience during puberty. But a little lie crept in that early. And the lie was that my value when it comes to men was directly linked to my body. If a man cannot touch my body, I have no value to him.

This occurrence, amongst many others, resulted in very serious consequences in my identity as a woman. I made some very poor decisions I will tell you about on another occasion. But, I tell you this little anecdote because I want you to think about your life.

What are some events that marked you? I became the sum total of every little occurrence and event that ever happened in my life. Our identities are tied to our experiences. Did you, too, believe a lie when you were very young like I did? What is God saying about this lie?

This is what my Papa says about mine:
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
Your value exceeds far beyond rubies. Proverbs 31:10
Your body is beautiful and perfect. I made it.


What is God saying to you?

The Great Love Fest

The last few weeks have been incredibly busy. I am sitting here trying to figure out how to write and publish a blog post in 30 minutes or less.

I have so much on my heart. The week of Awaken The Dawn was beyond what I could probably express in words. We were there-thousands of us representing every state. We rendered worship and prayer to our King together. That is the word: Together. It felt like we were more together than we had ever been.

It was like a big Jesus love fest; a huge family reunion. There are no words to describe how much of a connection Spirit-filled spirits can make without the use of many words. We would greet each other like long lost friends who are simply happy to see one another once again. We held each other’s hands, we prayed, we cried and we embraced pouring it all out, not knowing when it was the next time we’d lay eyes on one another.

Our worship times were filled with intense angelic activity. There is no doubt there was a rumbling in the spirit realm. Things were shaking. Things were moving. It was beyond shackles falling. It was the sound of entire empires crumbling. The Kingdom of Heaven was here, and no empire can withstand a united royal priesthood. At Awaken The Dawn, The Church became unshakable.

So many of us worshipping and praying to our Living God. So many of us loving one another and encouraging one another. I had many moments when my heart was so filled with literal bliss. I kept telling myself: "This is the way the true Church really is. This is the way heaven is gonna be like.” For a few days, we were a reflection of heaven. We saw in each others' eyes the way Jesus sees us, and then love happened.

I have no doubt that something incredible was conceived this weekend. It was like we went back to the beginning. We made it all about Him and about each other. We were whole the way we were always meant to be whole.

I was prayed for at least 10 times each day at ATD. Every word was an accurate and on-time word. Every hug, every look, every touch I received from every mother, every father, every brother, meant so very much to me. Awaken The Dawn was in many ways the gathering I had been searching for all of my life. It was my family. It was the family I knew I had somewhere. It was the bigest reunion.

And then just as my heart was filled with so much bliss, I would struggle thinking about the end. Why does it have to end? Can we not keep it going? My heart yearns for heaven with all passion. I yearn for heaven constantly. I seek it with all of me. I seek my Daddy and I seek my family. I need to be in communion with Him and her.

But then one of my sisters said to me: "But now we get to bring it back to wherever we’re going" And I said: “Oh... yeah, that's right.” It's always about the next. It's always about the lost. It's always about the one who hasn't heard the Good News. It's always about the one who hasn't partaken of the goodness of God, of His love, of His mercy. And I guess that's why we're all still here.

I forgot for a moment that this was not the end; that there are still many who have not heard and need to hear. That's why we're all here. That's why it's not time for any of us to go yet.

Awaken The Dawn was like heaven on earth. But what if the whole world was like heaven on earth? Can we do it? Can we possibly bring heaven wherever we go? I'm confident we can. Let's do it: Together 💛

Is The Gospel Powerful Enough To Unite Us?

Two weeks ago I was given a prophetic word about taking communion for an extended amount of days. At first, I thought it was an unnecessary act of faith. I couldn't understand the purpose of taking it so often. Jesus said we are to do it in remembrance of Him. But if I remember today, do I really have to remember tomorrow?

One of the reasons I didn't want to take it so much is because of the powerful significance of communion and my fear of letting it become ordinary. Communion has always been an incredibly emotional and powerful experience for me. Every time I take communion I can feel how crushed His body was for me and I can feel the holiness of His blood going down and cleaning me whole. I feel and experience all of the intensity of His sacrifice for me. But more than anything I also feel and experience all of the redemption that comes from His sacrifice.

I have been taking communion every day, several times in the day as I am led. I take communion every time I am sad and cannot shake off the sadness. I take communion when I am concerned and cannot shake off the worry. I take communion when there is something that I cannot do on my own. And after I take it, Christ deals with whatever I am dealing with immediately. It is incredible. I take all of my burdens to Jesus and He makes me whole. He makes my body, my mind and my heart well. And He proves over and over again that He is the only one who can make me whole.

There is so much that we want to do on our own. It is so difficult for us to really truly accept that it has been done and that He has really done it. Yes, God has really done it. Yes, we already have the victory in Him because He was made victorious for us. Yes, we are winning. But the question is: if we are victorious in Him, then why do we act as if we were defeated all the time? Why do we fight as if we we haven't been given powerful victorious weapons?

The sacrifice of Jesus is incredibly powerful. Incredibly powerful. And the more we try to do on our own and the more we try to complement the gospel, the more ineffective we are amongst ourselves and for the world.

The gospel does not need complementing. The gospel is complete. Jesus' very words were that it is finished. (John 19:30)

It is finished. It is finished.

All of that pain from your past, is finished. All of your insecurities and incompetencies are finished. All of your sin and the life you used to have, they are finished.

The gospel is so powerful. The more that we draw away from the gospel, the more trouble we encounter. We run into incorrect theologies. We settle for lives that are less than the kingdom that Jesus brought. He said that He came so that we may have life and have it in abundance. (John 10:10)

This is why unity in the Body of Christ is so important. Jesus' one prayer for the disciples was so that we may be one, as He and the Father are one. The word says that the Body is being built and the head Body is Jesus. (Ephesians 3:12-13) We are that Body of Christ. We are the redeemed, saved, sanctified, transformed Body of Christ. If we have really received and believed and embraced this powerful Gospel, then we are the transformed Body, and as a Body, we are together. A Body that has been healed, changed and transformed is not a Body that is missing limbs. The Body is whole.

So my exhortation to the Body is to get back to the very basics of the Gospel. How powerful is the gospel to us, right now? How much have we accepted and embraced of it? And if we have, why are there limbs missing?

Let's take it to Jesus. Let Him redeem us and unite us as individuals and as a Church.

If you have a deep desire and passion to see the church united, join us in Washington DC tonight through Monday. Find the information here: http://www.awakenthedawn.org/

What Does Love Look Like?

We are living in the age of the reformation of apostolic ministry. We love the miraculous. We love prophecy. We love healing. We love the manifestations of Holy Spirit, and we want to operate in love. But what exactly does it mean to love? I keep thinking about how love is the highest form of prophetic ministry.

The most powerful encounters I've ever had with another person have come from the deep love I feel for them. It is a love that overtakes me. It is not a love of  my own. I cannot love this way on my own. I don't know how to. My flesh does not know how to. I don't know how to love people when I cannot understand them. I don't know how to love people when I disagree with them. I don't know how to love people when they fail me, when they betray me, when I feel offended, hurt or persecuted by them. I don't know how to love.

It requires a supernatural presence in my life for me to love them and to love them well. Loving well is not the same as tolerating someone. Loving well requires for me to be concerned for their lives. Loving well requires for me to be able to weep for them, and hurt where they hurt and mourn when they are mourning. Loving well is the most supernatural thing we will ever do.

The same words keep ringing in my ear throughout the week: My disposition is to love not to do. I spend all day doing things. I work. I look for things to do. I look for projects to engage in. I look for tasks to finish. I look for emails to write, messages to respond, places to go and responsibilities to attend. I look, and I search, and I am restless, and I get caught up so much in what I have to do that I forget to love. I forget about those around me. I don't want to be inconvenienced. I don't want my schedule to be disrupted. I do, and I do, and I do some more, and then I wonder why there were not more people that I was able to pray for, connect with, preach the gospel to and to share life with.

A few weeks ago I said to God I was very tired.  I told Him it was very tiring to do ministry always, no matter where I went. He said it was very tiring because now I do not belong to a particular church anymore, but I belong to everybody. I belong to everybody. I belong to everybody. Then why do I act like my life is my own? I serve a humble King who gave His life for everybody. I serve a humble King who lived in complete surrender to His Father and gave His body away for the love of every person in the world. Why am I keep things just for me? I, also, belong everybody.

I belong to every single person I encounter. I want to love every person with the highest sense of love. That is the true miraculous: The most miraculous thing I could ever do is love like Jesus. The most miraculous thing I could ever do is love like Jesus. The most miraculous thing I could ever do is love like Jesus. So why do we act like the most miraculous thing we could ever do is heal the sick? Why do we act like the most miraculous thing we could ever do is lead someone to faith? Why do we  act like the most miraculous thing we could ever do is pray and see manifestations from heaven?

Love lives in heaven. The Love that gave all of it away lives in heaven. The highest form of the miraculous is love.

I ask you to ask yourselves the same questions I have asked myself this week: Can I love with all me those I disagree with, those who persecute me, those who hurt me, those who betray me, those who abandon me? Can I love miraculously? Can I love out of the love of the Father and not out of my own?

See, I could only truly love out of the true love Who loves me. I could only impart that which I am receiving continuously. When I change my disposition to do instead of to love, I have abandoned my position as a daughter. My position as a daughter is always to be loved, and if I am loved unlimitedly then I have to love others unlimitedly as well. I have to pour out of that unlimited well of love.

Love is the most supernatural thing we'll ever see. I learned this week the power of love when there was an opportunity for me to be hurt and angry over a small situation, and the Spirit of the living God spoke to me:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

And all I could feel as I heard and read those words was this supernatural love coming over me and overtaking me. It was the supernatural love of God. I transitioned into loving more than I ever had. And then I realized this is where I am supposed to live. We are called to live out of the unlimited love of God. That is how we love God back. That is how we follow His commandments. That is how we are able to lay our lives down for others.

I heard Heidi Baker preach for the first time last night and it was a confirmation of what the Lord has been doing in me throughout this week. I want to be a layed down lover. I want to go real low because I serve a King who went to the lowest for the sake of love.

Am I willing to go to the lowest for the sake of love? Am I willing to bear all things, believe all things, hope all things? I'm willing to do it as Daughter. I'm willing to do it for the sake of love.

Are you?

Consistent Freedom and Progress

I have been thinking about the following things for a couple of weeks now:

How do I consistently make good choices? How do I systematically choose what is right for me and those around me? What is my disposition to be like? How do I cater to God and His will for my life on an daily/hourly/minute-by-minute basis? How do I cater to the Church and how can I see my purpose be consistently fulfilled?

And I realized that these questions have plagued me for a very very long time. I cannot tell you how many times I have made agreements with myself and God. I have made vows I have not kept. I have made dramatic decisions and have come up with dramatic resolutions. I have tried my best to keep my life and my decisions under control. I have done this with every habit, every inclination and desire of my heart.

This has happened with everything that has taken too much of my time, or my energy or my well-being. I have abandoned things dramatically and then I have committed to something new. I would commit to other things consistently, and then I would feel bad for breaking the rules I placed over myself. I would delve into self-condemnation for not being able to keep my word.

I have gone back and forth between having incredibly strict schedules to being way way too loose. I have tormented myself far too often. At times, It was God who told me I could no longer jump into those dramatic commitments. At other times, He insisted on having me keep the vows I made Him -because God is serious about vows. I was 29 years old and I still had no direction in what could possibly be a solution. That is until I began to be discipled by Torrey Marcel Harper.

If you know anything about my pastor, you will know that he rides the waves of the Lord. He goes where Holy Spirit leads Him in whichever way, shape or form; at whatever time. He simply... goes. It is so simple it boggles the mind of many of us who have operated under a religious spirit and who have allowed control to rule over our lives. The concept is simple yet the execution is a lot more complex. I have struggled with it over and over again. I let God have His way and then I work extra hard to keep it the way He commanded it the last time He spoke. It is sometimes as if I was leading a double life. I let Him have His way, and then I have it my way by living life out of the last thing He said.

God is always moving. He never changes. But His strategies are different. Every battle the people of Israel won were conquered by a divine new strategy released from the heavens. Every time they went into battle the strategy was different. Do you ever wonder why God doesn't do things in the exact same way again and again? I know why. Firstly, He is all too great to be reduced to one manifestation. Second, if He always worked the way we expect, then we would be god. We would be the ones commanding Him to work because we followed the recipe.

So if God is always moving, and there is always a strategy for everything He is doing in our lives, then what is God's strategy for me today? What will He have me do and how will He have me move? Would I be okay with starting my day going for a run and letting Him speak to me through it? What if He wanted the day to be started with worship? What if it was prayer? What if He placed the spirit of intercession to be with me all day? There is something about riding the waves of the Lord and being perfectly safe there. Some of us are not completely ignorant to this. But some of us also know that we only use this for ministry. We don't focus on carrying the glory the Lord, and to truly be glory carriers, we need to ride the waves 24/7. We need to ride them at work, at church, at home and everywhere. We need to ride the waves of the Lord anytime and anywhere. That is our true security and safety.

So I can no longer make big dramatic decisions. I am not in control. I am not my own. I need to make mostly small obedient decisions. I need to make decisions that are good for me. I need to choose to write when the Spirit leads, read when the Spirit leads, spend time with my loved ones when and how the Spirit leads. But for the most part, we have used this expression quite flippantly. We talk about the Spirit leading as if He only leads sometimes and in specific ways. The Spirit could actually lead the entire time, if we wouldn't insist on leading ourselves- like we usually do.

Most of the greatest things that have every been built have been erected by people who made really great, small, consistent decisions. They were not built dramatically and quick. Dramatic and quick doesn't work. Dramatic and quick doesn't last. Dramatic and quick is the house built on the sand. But when we take our time, and we let our Great Artist lead the creative process, the most majestic work of art is created. And guess what? We take none of the glory. We don't even know or understand what He is doing until we see the finished process. And it is amazing, mind-blowing and provoking in more ways than one.

Who's going to hold the brush of your life from now on? Who will choose the colors? Let Him do it in His timing and His way. The greatest work you have ever seen is in process. Will you say yes to the Great Artist and His creative process?

"The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.” John 3:8 ESV

Deliverance and the Breakthrough Wave

I spent the week with many fears, many reservations, many intimidations. I spent the week without knowing what I was doing- doubting myself. I was doubting the call of God on my life. I spent the
week in mourning. I spent the week grieving. I spent the week not knowing what or where or when. I spent the week and I avoided relying on Him completely. I was tired. I didn't have enough sleep. Everything was happening so fast. I didn't get a chance to breathe. I didn't get a chance to figure out what was happening. How did things change up on me so quickly? How do I reroute and redirect now? I was unsure and frustrated. I didn't know where I was going.

And then Wednesday night came, and there it was- smacking me in the face. It was the truth. The truth that I wasn't submitting to the Lordship of the Spirit of the Living God. The truth that I wasn't trusting Him completely. The truth that I had built an idol in my mind and in my emotions. The truth that I wasn't completely dependent on Him- that I was letting my emotions rule and my old default mechanisms have their way. This was the truth. And the truth hurt. The truth was uncomfortable. And receiving this truth made me think that if I let it have its full work in me, I am never going to stop crying. I was faced with the truth, and then a lie wanted to keep me from it.

I'm getting delivered from the old Anel. Most of the times I don't even realize that it is the old Anel. Most of the times I think it is perhaps a personality thing. I think it is something that it's exclusive to my journey. Most of the time I don't let myself be completely healed because that is "just the way I think" or "Just the way I feel".

But I'm getting free right now.

On Monday night, so many emotions were ruling. I have been in this walk long enough to know that when it comes to deliverance, rebuking things doesn't really work. Accepting and rejecting gets the job done. So I rejected my own emotions. I rejected my own thoughts. And then, I accepted the still small voice of Holy Spirit, and the full revelation from heaven. At that moment, I saw this huge wave coming and washing everything away. The wave of the Lord came and made me anew. And then the new Anel showed up, and I couldn't remember why I had been so upset. I couldn't remember why my emotions were taking such a strong residence in my decisions. I couldn't access the old Anel, and I didn't want to.

The challenge then becomes living in the continual wave. Letting God lead you and become your only security is a sure scary thing to do. It is, however, the most amazing thing we'll ever do in our entire lives. I have nothing of my own. But I can do everything through Him and I can do anything in Him.

See, the old Anel only had herself. But the new Anel has Christ in her, the Hope of Glory. He is her hope. He is her shield. He is her security. In fact, she is not secure unless she is secure in Him. So now is the time to welcome Holy Spirit's full work:

I welcome the wave of the Lord. I let it wash away everything that is not ruled by the Spirit of the Living God. Everything that is not love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. I welcome everything that is You, God. I welcome the breaker anointing. Break through everything in my life and lead me in your breakthrough to others. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

I believe the Lord is teaching us how to be established in our breakthrough in this season. It is not enough with praying and getting a revelation. We must now learn to live out of that revelation. It's like packing our bags immediately and deciding somewhere else will be our home. But He cannot give us all of the revelation at once. We now need to learn to live from revelation to revelation and from glory to glory. Sometimes He will lead us with a cloud by day. Sometimes He will lead us with a fire by night. Sometimes we will go behind the veil and dwell with the Holy of holies. Sometimes we will encounter Him in the mountain and He will give us instructions. Sometimes a burning bush will appear and we will stop running away. However God chooses to reveal Himself and lead us, our position is always to follow and to say yes. This is true deliverance- the continual yes. Will you live in that yes today and all of your days?

THE Love Relationship

I fell in love- hard. I fell in love with Jesus in a dramatic and robust way. I fell in love and I had a willingness to leave everything I knew and everything I was behind. I fell in love and my life ended. I fell in love and my life began. I fell in love and my reality changed. Everything I thought was one way turned out to be completely different. I fell in love and I changed. It was love. Love changed me. It changed the core of my being. It changed everything I knew, because love has the power to change. Love has the power to transform things eternally.

As I continued to enjoy this life-changing love relationship, some things happened that were very unexpected. I had expectations that were not met the way I thought they should've been met. When I started my masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, this topic was often discussed: What are the expectations that couples have when they are newly married? What are the expectations two people place on each other over time? Initially, the relationship begins without any expectations. All there is, is an utmost devotion to that love- to the significant other. There is an undying dedication and faithfulness. There is an abandonment to self that occurs. The sentiment is "I don't care where I am as long as I am with you" and "I care about you more than I care about me". It would seem as if at the beginning of any love relationship, genuine death to self actually happens.

However, the unrealistic expectations come. The "I have loved you and have given you so much, I expect ________ from you". We expect the other person to be our source of joy and fulfillment. We have childhood wounds; we have love, affection and attention we never received from other people. This person we have dedicated our lives to automatically becomes the person that needs to meet all of these needs. But the relationship was never based on that in the first place.

I didn't begin a relationship with Jesus because of what He could give me. I fell in love with Jesus because He is beautiful. I fell in love with Him because there is no one and there is nothing more amazing or more utterly irresistible than Him. I had no expectations. The interesting thing about love relationships is that in the process of loving unconditionally, we do meet a need. And so, when I love Jesus with this undying devotion, this intimate relationship meets my needs by default. Desiring an irresistible God makes it irresistible for Him to not meet my needs.

But how do you stay in love? How do you stay devoted? You do it by staying focused. You do it by allowing Him to lead you anytime and anywhere. He is really good at reminding us why we entered relationship in the first place. The times we spend adoring Him and beholding Him transform us. We tend to think that for certain things to break we need to go into intense prayer and intercession. We think that we need to fast. We think that our actions- what we did or did not do, have the power to change circumstances and break strongholds. Deep down, we think that freedom and deliverance will come from our own actions.

But may I propose to you, Beloved, that things break by responding to the invitation of a King who is consumed with love for us? His love is so great- and so powerful - and so strong, it can break anything and anyone.

This week, consider why you entered relationship with Jesus. Consider what makes you love Him. Did any unmet expectations draw you away from your First Love? Let your Lover take you on a love journey. Go ahead. Turn off the computer. Turn off your cell phone. Play worship. Soak. Be in nature or in your prayer closet. Go away with your Beloved. And then, if you can- when you can- tell me what He did ❤

1 The Song of Songs, which is Solomon's.

The Bride Confesses Her Love

She

2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!
For your love is better than wine;
3     your anointing oils are fragrant;
your name is oil poured out;
    therefore virgins love you.
4 Draw me after you; let us run.
    The king has brought me into his chambers. Song of Songs 1: 1-4

Una Shifts Into The New Beginning

It is September 1st. I am writing for the first time in months. I have changed. Tremendously. I have changed so much I can hardly recognize who the woman in the mirror is. The scariest thing of it all is that I also do not recognize who it is that I am becoming. I am becoming something and someone entirely new to everything I have known and thought I knew.

My perspective is incredibly different than it used to be. My writing has changed tremendously. I have desires in my heart now I used to not have months ago.

I deal with conflict and situations in completely different ways I used to.

Am I flawed? Terribly. Every day the Lord shows me more of my flaws and areas of brokenness. But every day He also shows me more of His love and His grace.

Just now, I struggled for about an hour and a half avoiding the time I would write this; distracting myself. Until I finally decided to wake up from my haze and write.

I decided to write. I decided to write because it is not just one the ways I get delivered. I decided to write because it also one of the ways I am called to bring others to deliverance.

We have been doing so good at being honest; at accepting our weaknesses. We have done well at being honest with ourselves, God and others. But we haven't done so well at walking it out.

Yet this season is about walking it out. This season is about walking out prophetically what the Lord is calling us into. This season is about relying on the strength of the Lord and not on our own strength. This season is about leaving the habits and defaults of the past behind and throwing ourselves completely into the unknown freedom available for us.

We will walk into freedom together and we will walk into freedom prophetically. We will talk about spiritual warfare. We will talk about deliverance. We will talk about the battle between the flesh and the Spirit. We will go higher together.

We have to go higher together. There is too much at stake . We are in a war; and the Spirit of the Overcomer lives in us. We can no longer mope. We can no longer be passive. We have to rise up. And we will rise up.

Will you rise up with me?

Things to think about: 
What are some changes the Lord is calling me into this season? 
What has held me back from venturing completely into them?
How do you walk this out?

Things to pray:
God of breakthrough, I make myself fully available to be broken and rebuilt by You. I give you full access into shifting my perspective and taking me into all that I was designed to step into. Here I am. Take me. Break me. Heal me. Transform me. I am yours. Since forever and for forever. In the strong name of Jesus, to the glory of the Father and by the power of Holy Spirit. Amen.

The Heart Of God

I didn't know when I was going to return to writing on this blog. I knew that I needed new insight and revelation. I knew that I needed something fresh from the Lord.  I spoke to Him and He said to write what is on His heart. This is it.

As an intercessor, I experience the heart of God on a daily basis. Whenever I  am praying for someone I feel God's love over them. It is overwhelming. So much so, it makes some people think I am just being extra. But it is the fierceness of the heart of God that prompts me to love people in the way that I do.

So, what is in the heart of God during this season?

The heart of God is with the lost. 

It is impossible for me to walk the streets in light of the recent events in our nation and not weep for the people. There are so many needs. There is much anguish and pain. There is much uncertainty. I cannot have a blind eye to the needs of the people, especially during this time.

This is a time that cannot be wasted in personal agendas and opinions. Everyone has an opinion. But not everyone has an answer to the needs of the people. I wish we could just be brave enough to go and reach the lost the way that Jesus did. I wish we could simply say: Here are my hands. Here are my feet. What do you need?

But I want you to think about these questions:

What made us so insensitive to the needs of those around us?

What made us attempt to protect ourselves and our hearts when our protector is our Lord?

What made us think it is acceptable to not die to our own selfish desires?

What made us be okay with living just caring for ourselves, feeding our own mouths when we see people growing hungry in the streets?

Why do we seek God for our own selves and our own ministries?

Living life in the kingdom is costly. It is the ultimate self-sacrifice, and it is all done because of love and through love. 

If we were living the way that Jesus lived his life, we wouldn't be so worried about our lives, because Jesus wasn't. We wouldn't separate ourselves from the outcasts and afflicted because Jesus didn't. We wouldn't be promoting our names because Jesus concealed His own glory. We would have constant communication with the Father. We would sacrifice hourly. We would love the people, genuinely, so much so we'd spend a lot of time together. We would be quieter instead of louder. We would pray in schedule and out of schedule.

If we were living our lives the way that Jesus lived His, we would be powerful and effective in our assignments, not boastful or angry at those who reject us.

Take a moment to hear what is in the heart of God during this season. His heart is not for the boastful and prideful. His heart is for the loss, the sick and the afflicted, because after all, you also were once lost, sick and afflicted too.

It was in the heart of God to reach you. Someone heard that. Are you going to hear too?

When God Calls You To Do Something That's Never Been Done Before

What do you do when God calls you to do something that's never been done before? You look around and no one understands you. No one "gets" it. In fact, you just look crazy to a lot of people. You're different wherever you are. You are also rejected a lot. You start thinking: "Is there something wrong with me?" Then you realize this is exactly who you need to be. You begin to understand that those things about you some people don't like, are also the things that ended up saving someone's life. So, what do you with that? How do you walk that walk? I'm learning that myself. But I'm going to share some of the things I am still learning. Perhaps they can help you on your own journey.

You will be told many things about who you are. I've been told a lot of things. People usually tell me I'm too passionate, too raw, too intense. They tell me I care too much or that I'm too emotional. I am what many people call "extra". I have also been told that I am antisocial, or I have been told that I am too bubbly. No matter what people say, I am always labeled and I'm never "enough". Needless to say, I'm not pleasing anybody. But there's something I have noticed. I am usually perceived as "too caring" by people who don't really care. I'm "too emotional" for those who like to bottle up their feelings. I am all of those things people are resisting to be. I tend to remind people of the things God is calling them into. I poke into the sensitive areas of resistance. So you see, you can't be swayed by people's opinions of you. They will always have an opinion, and 9 out of 10 times it will be the wrong opinion. What you need to care about is God's opinion of you.

I tend to give a lot of value to who people are and what they carry. That's one of the things I do for people that they don't often do for me. So, as I give value to people and what they carry, I learn many many things from many different people. I take the good and spew out the bad. I'm not too proud to learn from a child. There are things a child can teach me an adult could never teach me.

So, what do I do with myself?

I have to go on this journey alone. There's no other way. I have to go onward with God. I need to let Him teach me what no one else can teach me. I have spent my entire life trying to find my "crew". There's no crew. The only crew there is, is God and I, because I still don't know who I am, and I will be discovering who He is for eternity.

So, I took a look at myself and thought: I am still learning and am I going to be sad about people not knowing who I am? It is not their responsibility to show me and teach me who I am. God teaches me that in the intimate place. At my previous school, we used to talk a lot about belonging. Yes, it is important to feel like you belong. It is important to have a safe community where you are welcomed no matter what. But you must first understand you belong with Christ. Until you understand you belong with Christ first, you will never understand belonging in the context of a community.

I spent too much time focusing on relationships- and that's part of my call. But I had to build up endurance to depend solely on the One relationship that will carry me through it all. Everything that I am and everything that I will do is in Jesus. He is the only one who knows who I am and sees me from the future. He calls me into the future me. All of these ideas I have about what I desire in my life; about prayer. about community, about teaching etc. It was all His idea. I give myself too much credit. I take too much control of my day-to-day life. I cheat myself out of my own destiny. Why do I do that? Because I don't know who I am.

So, if you're called to do something that's never been done before, if you're called to be someone who stands out in their difference and are catalytic, you are going to have to do a few things:

1. Depend on God alone. If you're going to be consistent with something, be consistent with your relationship with God. Learn about the spiritual disciplines and practice them always. You will build an easy flow in your relationship with God.

2. Build up endurance to stay the same whether people praise you or reject you. Trust me, those can flip at any moment. You don't want to be affected by that. Let your testimony be from the Father, not from people "How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?" John 5:44.

3. Be confident in who you are. If God says this is who you are, walk it. Believe it. You don't need more confirmation. When you hesitate, you do so because you have allowed the enemy to question God's call on your life. "Did God really say.....?" (Genesis 3:1)

4. Identify the people who carry your same DNA. Run with those people. You don't have to be the same or necessarily care about all of the same things. You're called to be different, so you won' find sameness. But run with people who value at least one everlasting thing you value. For example, run with people who value prayer, worship, service or whatever is the area you are called to value.

5. Pour into the people who want what you have. Don't waste your time with people. Some talk and seem like they want it but are not willing to put in the time or sacrifice. People who want it don't care what they have to do to get it. Love people. But don't waste your time babying people.

6. You will have many trials. When you do, make sure you cling to Jesus and nothing else. Rejoice in your trials. They are your training. God is building up faith and endurance in you.

7. Give yourself the value God gives you. Have you read the book of Ephesians? You are pretty awesome. If God said what He said about you, don't undermine His words. Don't give yourself any less value than the value God gives you.

8. Don't have an opinion of yourself that is higher than the opinion God has of you. He is still God and Lord. He is still on the throne. He will humble you immediately because everything you have He gave to you (James 1:17). Don't take glory for yourself.

9. Choose to sacrifice and die for what you're called to do, but only if you are giving the glory to God. If you catch yourself doing anything for you or for people, stop and regress.

10. Do it all because of love. All of it. If you do it for any reason, you are wasting your time.

11. Learn to grieve and repent. Grieve and repent. Repeat. You can't grow if you don't know how to grieve or repent.

12. Honor others' journeys. But don't try to get other people to do what God has called you to do. There's a reason He gave YOU the vision and insight.

13. Make sure you have people pouring into your life, but most importantly, make sure you have friends who stick with you no matter what. You need a Peter, John and James. You need the 12 and you need the 72. The crowds will come and go.

I hope these things help you in your journey. If you want to know more about my journey, check you my latest YouTube video and my latest Odyssey article.

Counting The Cost

We all know about David. He was King David.

He was a Psalmist. He was a dancer. He was a warrior. He was a man after God's own heart. So much of what we do and who we are as believers is emulated after David. But I don't think we really understand what it takes to be a man or woman after God's own heart.

I am not writing this to tell you the story of David. You can go to the Bible and read it on your own. But David's life was not easy. Actually, his life was pretty terrible.

The easiest years of David's life were before he was anointed. These were the years where he enjoyed anonymity. He didn't have a king chasing after him to kill him. He didn't have his best friend killed, his son die as a result of his sins, his wives locked away or his sons killing each other going after his throne.

The life of David was filled with too much heartbreak, too many wars and too much sadness. But interestingly enough, I don't think there is anyone in the Bible who worshiped like David. He certainly worshiped more than any of the kings of Israel.

But why am I talking about David? Because I want to be like him. I want to worship God all of the days of my life. I want to write worship songs and adore Him. I want to live in the house of the Lord all of the days of my life:

 "One thing have I asked of the Lord,
    that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
    and to inquire in his temple." Psalm 27:4

Actually, the person in the Bible I am called to be like is not very different from David:

And there was a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was advanced in years, having lived with her husband seven years from when she was a virgin, and then as a widow until she was eighty-four. She did not depart from the temple, worshiping with fasting and prayer night and day.  And coming up at that very hour she began to give thanks to God and to speak of him to all who were waiting for the redemption of Jerusalem. Luke 2: 36-38

But there is something I haven't really thought about. On Tuesday, before we began our watch at Times Square House of Prayer, the Lord kept saying to me: "Count the cost". And I would weep and agonize, because the things He is calling me to lay down and the things I must be willing to lose are great. They are very great. Living a life after God's own heart means that nothing else could possess my heart. Nothing. I have to be willing to lose it all and count it all as loss.

The Lord kept saying to me "Count the cost", and I kept saying: "Just please don't take your presence away from me. I know I will suffer for your sake. But please don't take your presence from me." He didn't say anything. I didn't understand why. Truthfully, He is God, so He is not obligated to answer. But I understand why He didn't say anything now.

The goal is to follow Jesus. Following Jesus requires me to take up my cross. But even Jesus, when He was on the cross, felt abandoned (Matthew 27:46). So, if I am to live this life, I also have to be willing to keep being obedient no matter what. I have to keep going even when I don't hear Him, even when it feels like He has forsaken me; though He never has and never will.

David didn't have the Holy Spirit living inside of him like we do today because of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. But David still believed. He still sought the Lord. He sought Him not because of what He has, but because of who He is.

I want to live this life. But I am yet to say yes. I'm counting the cost. Have you counted the cost to live the life you're called to live?

"Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them,“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’  Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple." Luke 14: 25-33