I'm Uncomfortable

                   

Every week when I log into my computer for the purpose of writing this blog entry, I encounter the same question: What is in my heart? And the answer to this question is this: So very much.

A few weeks ago, the Global Prayer Watch visited the House of Prayer. There was a woman there who prophesied some things over me that were incredibly accurate. One of the things she said to me is that I have been going through a lot of transitions. She said that I don't understand them and that God wanted me to become comfortable being uncomfortable.

I have never forgotten that.

How does one become comfortable being uncomfortable?

For me, this has meant the breaking off any limits, barriers or paradigms I had placed in my life and being okay with not having any. This has meant death to any type of safety I thought I had.

I almost want to cry while I write this.

If you ask me how many of the things in my life are going the way I want them to go, I would reply: none. If you also asked me how fulfilled I am in my life right now, I would say: The most I've ever been. Oddly enough, I have found the most satisfaction in not getting my way.

How could I have been so wrong?

For the most part in my life, I have attempted to play it safe and predictable. I like it safe and predictable. I know what is coming. But this is a lie.

I never really know what is coming. The unexpected always comes when I least expect it. To make matters worse, I worry about a ton of unexpected things that may happen but none of them ever actually happen. So my worrying and preparing is useless.

Playing it safe has led me nowhere. Playing it safe has decreased my faith in God. Playing it safe has prevented me from receiving all of the things God has for me.

I don't want to play it safe anymore.

I have 3 jobs. I am writing more than ever before. I am actively working in 3 ministries, one of which takes a lot of my attention and love, because it's my dream come true. In a month, I will be moving in a house with a faith community and family that will run this race with me for the next few years to come.

I have learned to cling tightly to Jesus while being completely heartbroken. I have learned to wage strong warfare against the schemes of the enemy. I have learned to walk this journey alone yet to be in community. I have learned to keep on going when I am absolutely exhausted. I am being okay not getting enough hours of sleep or not having the extended alone time I need as an introvert.

I am uncomfortable, and I am satisfied.

I have ran farther than I thought I could run, and faster than I ever imagined. I am so satisfied and so certain of this journey. I am overwhelmed with a peace that surpasses understanding. The things I think I want in the way I want them are nothing compared to what my Creator has for me.

So, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to trust Him. I am going to welcome His blessings and lessons in any way, shape or form. I have nothing to lose. I have given Him my life, and in His hands it has flourished.

With tears in my eyes, today I can say I have bloomed.