My Past: Ugly. Worthless. Used. Ashamed.

Picture from my High School years

On June 22nd, I celebrated 13 years of becoming a Christian. It is a great testimony of a teenage Atheist coming to faith in Christ. However, I'm not going to talk about my conversion story today. I'm going to tell you about where I was 13 years ago and I am going to be very vulnerable about it.

I was suicidal and depressed. I was 16 years of age. I had so much anger. I hated my own dad and had constant fights with my family. I was "dating" this guy who brought me to church. That was, naturally, a good thing. However, this was also the same guy who led me to cross relationship boundaries. Back then, I didn't know I was taken advantaged off. However, I convinced myself that I wanted these boundaries to be crossed. I also convinced myself I was going to marry him. He was, after all, the one who brought me to church, so he must be my husband, I thought.

I became so committed to the Lord, but I also found out this guy wasn't. I left the relationship hoping God would change him and bring us together. That never happened. Instead, the Lord kept confirming that he was not who he had for me.

Though the Lord had saved me from a bad relationship, I felt so much disappointment and shame. I felt dirty and unwanted. I already had my share fare of issues with men. Now I had even more. My own dad taught me it was okay to be hit and humiliated. Now I had more lies added to my list. I grew up thinking the worst about men. My anger grew toward every man who looked down on me or desired me. I hid myself from the opposite sex for years. I harbored anger and resentment but most of all, I harbored shame.

I gained weight. I hated my body. I didn't want to be attractive in any way. I felt incredibly violated by the men who looked at me. I wanted to be unnoticed. And I went unnoticed for 6 years.

I thought I could hide behind my weight and my glasses and no man would notice me. Shame was all over my body. But there was more. In 2010, I began another relationship with another broken man. This man was a complete stranger from California. The relationship lasted 2 years and it broke my heart in the worst way at the time. I have a knack for wholly loving men who could never wholly love me back. But I thought I could love enough for the both of us and that we'd still get married someday.

When that relationship ended, all of those feelings of guilt and shame came rushing back to me. I hid again. I gained more weight. I even cut my hair really short. I felt so much pain I went to bed crying every night. I believed I was ugly, used and unwanted. I was hurting so deeply and I was hungry for intimacy. I was scared regardless. So I hid.

I was unattractive and there was no need to put any effort into what I wore. I did not want to be seen, even though deeply, I did.

Then, the Lord began to heal me. He began to give me brothers in Christ. I began to see there are good men out there. I didn't want to be with any of these men. I also still didn't feel remotely attractive. But I had brothers now. The Lord also began to give me spiritual fathers. He began to reveal Himself to me as my Heavenly Father. He showed me that He is nothing like my earthly father. He even began to heal my relationship with my own dad. So many male wounds were being healed.

Then... guess what? The most amazing thing happened. Soon after that, I also began the journey of believing I was pretty. 

So I began to adorn myself here and there. It was, however, a process. Slowly but surely I began to embrace my femininity and I added color and style to my wardrobe.

By the time John came into my life, I was sure I was one of the prettiest females the Lord had ever created. I wasn't afraid to be seen. I was confident. I was happy. I was unafraid to go into a store and buy a pretty dress. I wasn't afraid to love again. I was unashamed of saying "I like you" or "I love you" whenever I wanted to.

There was no shame in being who I was. I loved myself and I loved my relationship.

John was the first man I kissed in 11 years. And once again, I loved ruthlessly. I thought he was the one I was waiting for and that we'd get married for sure.

But then it ended. And it shattered parts of me you may never fully understand. The pain from this broken relationship shook my emotions and brought me back to a very dark place. I felt just as I did in High School: Worthless. Used. I felt useless and ashamed. Wanting to die most of the time. I also started gaining weight again. I was empty and angry. I cried to the Lord and he comforted me, but the comfort wouldn't last. What was happening?!

My eyes were opened and I finally saw the truth. The problem was that I let the lies of my past dictate my life in the present. I allowed the enemy to lie to me about my identity in Christ. 

See, I am still the redeemed jewel of the Lord. I am still incredibly beautiful. I still have the capacity to love. My calling and ministry have not changed. My desire to love people ruthlessly has not changed. But how can you do all of those things when you regress to a past where you didn't know your identity? You can't. 

You need to choose to reject the lies and walk in the truth. You need to choose Jesus. I stopped regressing. I tossed the lies of my past and began to walk in the Truth. 

Who am I? I am a Daughter of the Living God who is King of kings. I am fearless. I am joyful. I am confident and secure. There is only one decision between being who I was 13 years ago and being who I truly am: Faith. 

The enemy wants me to believe I am ugly and worthless. He wants me to be ashamed and beat down. He wants me to hide in my shame and not run to my Redeemer. He doesn't want me to walk in my identity. But I was bought with a price and I am free. Even better, I belong to the One who set me free. No one can snatch me from His hands. It is He who covers my shame. He makes my sins as white as snow and puts me on display as his Bride.

So what happens now? Now I will reclaim all the ground the enemy took from me. Watch me.

I will restore to you the years
    that the swarming locust has eaten,
the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter,
    my great army, which I sent among you.

“You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,
    and praise the name of the Lord your God,
    who has dealt wondrously with you.
And my people shall never again be put to shame. You shall know that I am in the midst of Israel,
    and that I am the Lord your God and there is none else.
And my people shall never again be put to shame. Joel 2:25-27