Every child in the world
has basic needs that are all met through relationships. The need for security,
affirmation, safety and affection is what makes or breaks an individual. Long
after our childhood years end, we engage fiercely in the pursuit of
getting all of these needs met.
I pursued all of these as
an adult.
In college, I wanted all
of my mentors and leaders to give me the affirmation I always sought from my
parents. I was in pain when they fell short in doing so. Often times, leaders
are busy with many responsibilities to care for. I was hurt when they wouldn’t
give me the time I desired to receive from them. I was also hurt when their own
brokenness and faults would cause them to ignore me or address me in an unloving
manner. I would project all of the pain I felt from my upbringing to my leaders
and mentors. My hurt feelings were magnified because they were filtered through
the pain of unmet childhood needs.
After college, I entered a
relationship with a man who made me feel safe. I traded my identity and my call
as a daughter of God for the safety of this relationship. This man would always
find a way to talk to me and be present. He was also very affectionate and
generous. He would treat me with care and honor. I felt safe. I felt loved. I
proceeded to forego all of the other red flags. He was also broken and was
actually trying to get his needs met through relationship with me. This was a
recipe for disaster. Once he realized he couldn’t get all his needs met through
relationship with me, he left me and all of my self-esteem and self-worth was
gone too.
Two years ago, I entered
another relationship with someone I called “My brother.” All of the unmet needs
I lacked from my relationship with my younger brother were now being projected
unto this individual. I was okay when he was mean or rude to me. I made excuses
for his behavior. I over-extended my time and resources just to give him what
he wanted or needed. Ultimately, the relationship ended in shipwreck. I realized
we were feeding off each other’s dysfunctions and I put an end to
it.
Our heavenly Father
affirms us and has our constant attention. We don’t need to seek it from a
leader or mentor when we are so fiercely affirmed. He keeps us safe and secure.
He is always present and always affectionate in multifaceted ways. We don’t need
these things from a romantic relationship when we receive an overabundance of
these needs from our Abba. He is the one who heals our deepest wounds. He
restores relationships. He mends our hearts. He causes us to be attached to Him
as opposed to another broken individual. Our souls are made to attach to the
right sources in healthy ways.
Learning about my behavior
toward every relationship I entered into made me understand where my heart was.
When my heart is right with God, He causes my heart to also be right with
others. I can love others and enter relationship with them because I genuinely
love them and can give them from the overflow of the affection and affirmation
I get from my heavenly Father.
Now think to yourself: Why
do you have relationship with the people you have relationship with? Are those
relationships healthy? Are there needs you can recognize you are trying to meet
through relationship with others? What is God saying to you personally about
your unmet needs?
