What I learned From Losing it All

Photo of the team of the Building Mission Trip to the Dominican Republic

The mission trip to the Dominican Republic was busy. We would wake up at 6am every day. We worked all day at the site building, painting, wiring electricity, plumbing, staining, cleaning, you name it. We would wait a long time at the hotel for dinner, have group devotions, go to sleep between 10 to 11pm and do it all over again the next day. I had pretty bad allergies so I did not sleep at all most nights. I was exhausted and sick but I enjoyed it. I made some great friends and saw all the work we had put into the site at the end. I said to John when it was all done: "I can't believe everything got accomplished, even the fact that in the middle of it all, we got see my sick grandmother in the capital." John said to me: "In my experience, I have learned that no matter what happens in life, it keeps on going. Life doesn't stop for you." He was so right.

Do you know how many times in my life I stopped it all because something went wrong? A lot. Every time misfortune came I pretty much stopped living. I would get depressed, eat an abundance of food, binge watch movies and series, refrain from people and pretty much give up. But every time I lost something this past year, I had to keep on going.

When I lost my job. I still had to make payments to grad school, to my loans, to my rent, to my cell phone bill. I could not stop paying simply because I had been let go. I had to pay out of my savings and pray that I could generate some new income before I ran out of money completely.

When I interviewed for jobs and didn't get hired. I had to continue applying for my jobs. I had to not get dismayed because I still had bills to pay. As scary and disconcerting as it was, I had to continue to get turned down.

When I realized I could not go to graduate school anymore. I had to look for other options. I had to have a new plan. How many years was I going to work just to pay off my debt? How can I pay off my debt creatively? What affordable schools in the counseling field could I look into?

When I had to move out. I could not pay rent anymore. I had ran out of money. I had just gotten hired part time, on and off, but I still could not make ends meet. I had to move out and move in with my parents. I had to sleep in the living room and hope I land a full time job soon so that I can move out again.

When I filled out my taxes and didn't get back the 5k I paid in loan interest alone but instead ended up having to pay. I couldn't not pay my taxes. I couldn't force the IRS to give me back loan interest money, or tuition money, or exempt me from the self-employed tax. I had to come up with the money and I had to get over it. And as a result of that I also had to look into other job industries I have no experience in. My grand plan to pay my loans in 3 years had failed miserably because I realized that I would actually end up with more debt rather than being debt free.

We have to move on, right? The problem is that I only kinda sorta did. I have been depressed most of this year and instead of holding on to God and believing him, I just got depressed and simply existed. I gained weight. I stopped exercising. I had nothing but sad stories for my boyfriend all day, every day. I blamed it on everyone. I blamed it on the government and the tax system. I blamed it on the companies that didn't hire me. I blamed it on my church and how ministry was so different there than on my college campus. I blamed it on my boyfriend because he was so different than I am. I blamed it on my parents and how loud they are. I looked at everyone's wrongs but mine. I didn't want to look at my faults. I was already so depressed, why would I do that? Why would I admit to my sin and accept my human limitations before the Lord? I should have and I didn't.

Life goes on. But I can't stall. I can't make excuses. I can process my pain and my losses in prayer before God. In fact, I am required to. But when that is all done, and my God comforts me, and gives me hope, and my faith arises, I move on. I have to move on. I can be tired but I can keep on going. I can be sick but I can keep on going. I can be disappointed but I can keep on going.

Losing, after all, can be the greatest gain. It allows us to shed off a bunch on things that were never supposed to be attached to us anyways. Losing sheds pride. It sheds control. It sheds idols. Losing is a blessing, And losing is part of life.

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? Matthew 16:24-26

What I Learned From "Almost" Losing Someone

Photo from last month's Building Mission to the Dominican Republic

I planned on publishing a different post today. The post's title is What I learned From Losing It All. I wrote that post last Saturday. Then, this past Sunday, I almost lost somebody.

A tragedy like this was the last thing on my mind this past weekend. I had spent a great Sunday with my Youth Pastors visiting my previous church. There was, however, a funeral happening afterwards from someone who had passed. I didn't want to go because I knew it would hurt. See, losing things, is very different from losing someone. When I lost someone 2 years ago, I felt like I was going to die. Now every time someone is gone, I stay away from the family members that are most grieved because that same unbearable pain comes back to me. I know I shouldn't avoid it. Losing someone is part of life too. I know it will happen again in my life. But I'm in denial.

I texted John on Sunday assuming he was at work and that he was driving. He replies saying that he's in the hospital, that he passed out at work. I become concerned and ask many questions. The nurse texts me after that. She tells me that John's heart stopped 3 times so far and that I need to call his sister and stepfather. I do that in fight or flight mode and then have a panic attack. I  went to Maryland that evening, still high on intense worry. What was going on through my mind? "He's gone. I'll never see him again. If his heart stopped 3 times, it will stop again. Did I tell him everything I needed to say?" I was so scared. I was scared up until Wednesday, when he was discharged from the hospital.

Why am I so scared of people leaving? If John would've left, he would've been with the Lord. I know where he is going. But why am I scared? ... I'm scared because of me. It is a selfish fear. In being afraid of John leaving, I'm not showing concern for John. I am concerned about the pain I am going to feel if John leaves. When my grandfather passed away and I asked the Lord to resurrect him, the Lord asked me: "You want me to do that because it's the best thing for him or for you?"

We are selfish. We hold on to people. We hold on to things. We don't trust God.

From now on I want to focus my efforts differently when it comes to people's lives, their grief and the potential grief.

I want to love them while they are alive. I want to make sure that if anyone is suddenly gone in my life I will never say I didn't get a chance to tell them I love them. I want to make sure that I preach the gospel to them; that they know that this life is nothing compared to what is coming. As much as it hurts to be around grieving people, they are still here. I should spend that time with them. I should be present letting them know they are loved and that they are in my prayers.

I want to rejoice in the ones who go. I want to celebrate the blessing they have been to my life and to others'. I want to hold on to the hope that I will see them again in heaven. I want to cherish the memories, process the pain and trust in God. I want to trust God. I want to truly trust God.

I want to be drenched in God's Word. I want to hold on to his promises. I want to take comfort in His words. No matter what happens, He will be there. He will not pass away. He will be with me, with the ones who grief, with the ones who pass. He is God. I want my focus and everyone else's focus to be on Him. If John goes or anyone else in my life, I will not have lost; I would've gained someone else I'll recognize in heaven.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3,4

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. John 14:1-4

My Honesty Policy

This is the last picture John and I took together as a couple. Interestingly enough it was "Family Picture Day" at his church and I thought it was a good thing we took our picture together. 3 weeks after this picture was taken we broke up. It has been the biggest amount of pain I have been through in my whole life. Add this to the fact that I have had the hardest year of my life. John and I are still good friends and we are both slowly healing from this break. It has been incredibly hard for the both of us but we are fully aware this is the will of God.

Why am I talking about this? As things have gone in my life this past year I have been positioned in "like a child" season (Matthew 18:2-4). That means that right now, at this very moment, I want nothing more than God. and I will believe God more than anything or anyone else. I could tell you that God orchestrated all of this so that I will do his perfect will- in which I have disobeyed time and time again; this is what I believe anyway.  But I could also argue that things in life simply happen, because we live in a broken world and it is in the nature of that brokenness for very bad things to just happen.

I am going to be very honest about one of my sins: For many years God has called me to write. Not just blog. But write. I have seen the fruit of my writing in my personal life (journaling) or writing a post that inspires other people. I have failed at doing this time and time again. To be honest, I think I am scared of writing. Writing forces me to be honest with God, with myself and with others. I don't know how to do anything that involves God, me and others without ruthless honesty. And it scares me. Look around. No one really wants to be honest. Honest is messy. Honest is vulnerable. Honest is scary. But you know what else honest is? Honest is incredibly freeing. Even as I'm writing this post I feel a tremendous amount of peace.

I love it when people are honest with me and show me their true selves. I love it when they tell me what they really think or how they really feel even if it's wrong. I think God loves to dwell around people like that. You can read so many of David's Psalms and how he is asking the Lord to punish his enemies or expressing so much despair. We know that we are to love our enemies and that we are not to dismay before our circumstances but trust God. Yet God loved hearing David's cries and pleas.

So, this is going to be my commitment to God, to myself and to you: I'm going to publish a blog post every Friday. But every blog post is going to be ruthlessly honest. Can I ask you all a favor though? Keep me accountable. Ask me why I haven't posted if I stop doing it. If I write something that touches you, tell me. If you think it'll bless others, share it.

Thank you brothers and sisters for joining me on this journey of obedience and honesty. I hope it inspires you to begin your own. Blessings.