Upside Down

On December 2014 I graduated college. I got a BS in Early Childhood-Elementary Education. No plans to teach. No. I'll be a Nanny instead... A professional Nanny, a Teaching Nanny, an Educational Caregiver, bla bla bla. I was going to use my degree to care for children as I love, earn more than a teacher would, pay off my loans and pay my way through graduate school out of pocket. I was going to be a Marriage and Family Therapist and finally do what I truly love. Well, I did it. I found my perfect job, moved 2 blocks away from my church, started paying for my loans, got accepted to the MFT program I wanted and on top of that met an amazing man. This was it. For the next three years I would have my regular income and get my debt paid off as I work on my lifetime career...

Work slows down. Not many hours. Not much income. Grad school still needs to be paid for. So do my loans. I realize I'm going to have to put grad school on hold. Okay. Breath deeply. I'll focus on paying my loans. December comes. My employers can no longer afford me. Here I am, midst of the holidays, job hunting. One very promising opportunity. Almost sure I was going to get it. Didn't get it. Second very promising opportunity. Almost sure I was going to get it. Didn't get it. Third very promising opportunity. I was guaranteed I was going to get it. I didn't get it. Breath deeply. Stop. What is happening? How am I going to get everything paid? What about rent? What about my loans? Okay. Let me apply for forbearance. One forbearance accepted. The next one? They couldn't even be reached. Sad. Very sad. So very sad. Okay Anel. Keep eating. I did. I'm scared to look at the scale. And just when I think I can start to live again, my taxes... doesn't matter if I paid almost $5,000 dollars in loan interests and tuition. I'm self-employed. I still owe money. Okay. I'm going to go eat. I'm ashamed. I moved out of my place last week. I'm back at my parents. I have one very irregular job. Everything else has crumbled. What am I doing with my life? "Everything you can do right now" That's what my wonderful boyfriend told me as I broke into tears.

So this blog is saying that I will put myself out there. I will live again. After unfortunate thing after unfortunate thing has happened to me, the worst thing I can do is self harm. And I have. I have hidden behind food and have done much damage to my body. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what I will do. I don't have any solutions. What I do know is that God makes everything work together for the good of those who love him. I am a mess and I won't hide how much of a mess I am right now. I don't know how God will re-build and re-direct but he will. I am sure of that. I am going to let you see that.