Every Day Is A Gift

This week was unexpected. I had been scheduled to work only 3 days for a few hours and I hoped I would go to Maryland midweek to see my boyfriend, John, since it was so slow. Plans changed. The weather was going to be difficult and I didn't want to get stuck in MD while it happened. And then my employer asked me to work for two extra days. Perfect. Well, that wasn't enough. She told her colleague about me and now I am also working Saturday night. Perfect. Now I work every day this week. Well, that wasn't enough. She hands me 2 tickets to the Opera at Lincoln center on Monday night. The seats were in the front. If I would've paid for them they would've costed me $450 each. It was amazing. I was very grateful and happy at the unexpected turn of events, not just for the day but for the week.

I've been meditating on my as-of-lately-flipped life. I know God has orchestrated this season in my life and I'm understanding why. In the past, I approached things with lots of plans. I would maximize the changes and minimize the time and pain. I am good at that. I can make a plan, stick to it and succeed. I can run my life pretty well. Well, there it is: I, I, me, me, I can, I control. What a nasty habit and attitude. The thing is that I have a Savior and Lord. My life is not my own and I was never meant to control it. Besides this, the whole point of exercising control is so that I never have to go through pain and hardship; at the very least diminish it. How unrealistic! Not only can I not control the outcomes and events of life, I also learn absolutely nothing that way. All I have learned by "handling my business" that way is to be decisive and determined. Those two can be very good qualities, but they have their time and place. I cannot live life like that. I don't learn much that way. I don't get to learn to appreciate the small things, to count my blessings, to be patient, to be okay with not getting my way. I can't learn to be content that way and I can't learn self-control.

My boyfriend is such a good man. He is so intentional about his life. He is incredibly committed to the Lord and to others. He finds so much joy in his life as it is and I'm still trying to understand how he does that. He does a good job and enjoys his obligations no matter where he is. Constantly, he finds ways to help others and he takes what he does for them very seriously. The same excellence he displays at work he also displays everywhere else. He is so very intentional and detail-oriented. He loves working behind the scenes and does not care whether he is seen. In fact, he'd rather not be seen. John is happy. I tease him at times telling him his life is boring, but to him having the ability to help so much and do so much for others is very fulfilling. He is genuinely happy and grateful with what the Lord has given him. He is not concerned with making a name for himself or living an extraordinary life. He just wants God to watch him be faithful in his every day life. He doesn't just want to say he is grateful; he wants to show he is grateful. You know why? Because he didn't always have a job, and he didn't always have a church to call home, he didn't always have a family he could count on. John knows how to count his blessings and not take them for granted. He is not concerned with acquiring more blessings. He is concerned with treasuring the ones he already has.

I want to be like John. I don't know how to but I know I want to. All I can do is take one day at a time and lean on my God to do the rest. It's that simple, and that hard.

Upside Down

On December 2014 I graduated college. I got a BS in Early Childhood-Elementary Education. No plans to teach. No. I'll be a Nanny instead... A professional Nanny, a Teaching Nanny, an Educational Caregiver, bla bla bla. I was going to use my degree to care for children as I love, earn more than a teacher would, pay off my loans and pay my way through graduate school out of pocket. I was going to be a Marriage and Family Therapist and finally do what I truly love. Well, I did it. I found my perfect job, moved 2 blocks away from my church, started paying for my loans, got accepted to the MFT program I wanted and on top of that met an amazing man. This was it. For the next three years I would have my regular income and get my debt paid off as I work on my lifetime career...

Work slows down. Not many hours. Not much income. Grad school still needs to be paid for. So do my loans. I realize I'm going to have to put grad school on hold. Okay. Breath deeply. I'll focus on paying my loans. December comes. My employers can no longer afford me. Here I am, midst of the holidays, job hunting. One very promising opportunity. Almost sure I was going to get it. Didn't get it. Second very promising opportunity. Almost sure I was going to get it. Didn't get it. Third very promising opportunity. I was guaranteed I was going to get it. I didn't get it. Breath deeply. Stop. What is happening? How am I going to get everything paid? What about rent? What about my loans? Okay. Let me apply for forbearance. One forbearance accepted. The next one? They couldn't even be reached. Sad. Very sad. So very sad. Okay Anel. Keep eating. I did. I'm scared to look at the scale. And just when I think I can start to live again, my taxes... doesn't matter if I paid almost $5,000 dollars in loan interests and tuition. I'm self-employed. I still owe money. Okay. I'm going to go eat. I'm ashamed. I moved out of my place last week. I'm back at my parents. I have one very irregular job. Everything else has crumbled. What am I doing with my life? "Everything you can do right now" That's what my wonderful boyfriend told me as I broke into tears.

So this blog is saying that I will put myself out there. I will live again. After unfortunate thing after unfortunate thing has happened to me, the worst thing I can do is self harm. And I have. I have hidden behind food and have done much damage to my body. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what I will do. I don't have any solutions. What I do know is that God makes everything work together for the good of those who love him. I am a mess and I won't hide how much of a mess I am right now. I don't know how God will re-build and re-direct but he will. I am sure of that. I am going to let you see that.