Made Alive to Be Burnt

I wait
patiently
for an answer.
Your Word breaths life into my lungs
and my soul.
My soul
oh my soul
it finds rest in you alone,
In the Lover of my soul.
Oh Lover of my soul!
How in love I am with you!
Your fiery eyes
Your burning love.
Oh burn me with your fire.
It brings life to me
in its consumption.
Oh Lover of my soul
Burn inside me forever.

Who, What, When, Where

I am 27 years old. I have cried many times and most people in my life have hurt me deeply. I began to genuinely laugh after I met the Lord Jesus Christ 10 years ago. For 7 years I fought another battle. My delight in the Lord and the heartbreaking contradiction of church community sent me to fulfill my needs elsewhere. I sought in making money, in academic achievement, in romantic relationships but none of these did the cut. For 3 years I have lived in a community that has affirmed who the Lord says I am. I have grown academically and spiritually. Great awareness has been brought in terms of ministry, profession, personality and values. But I have found the one thing that really matters. And that is that God is always with me wherever I go and that when I enjoy his company I can enjoy most everything else in life. I refuse to embark in the journey of control the world has succumbed to. I don't fully know who I am, and that's okay. I don't fully know what I'm going to do for the next 10 years, and that's okay. I don't know when I'll be..., and that's okay. I don't know where I'll be, and that's okay. Everyone is trying to make their world safe. But no human being could ever make anything about their world safe. No matter how much control one chooses to exert, things still go wrong, you still get heartbroken, you still make mistakes. What is most important is Who is with you when those happen. And there's only one person who is strong enough to take all that junk. That person is Jesus. I choose Him.

In the Now

In August it was very apparent that the Lord was getting ready to do something entirely new and exciting in my life. Little did I know this was going to mean that life as it was before was going to change dramatically. My roles of student, worker, friend, family member, you name it. All has dramatically changed. I simply cannot operate the way I used to. The significant lessons are primarily that I must be who I am at all times. I must not allow my circumstances or others' expectations of me to alter the way in which I want to deal with the circumstances in my life. The second big lesson is that there is simply no life plan. There is nothing ahead that should be more precious than what is in front of me right now. I cannot possibly want something I yet have more than something I have and I actually want. By being present and simply being a human being who honors God and her fellow bretheren in the now has made all the difference. I'm still working through some things but there is an incredible amount of freedom, peace and joy that comes with not knowing or worrying about tomorrow. Here is to living in the now folks. Cheers.

I say no... then I say yes

In this world of stuff, I say no to the meaninglessness. There is nothing I want outside of you. Nothing. So I say no to the stuff and I say yes to you. Wherever you want to take me. Whatever you want to do with me. You are the most important out of all things. Why would I want the least important of things? Why would I go that low? We all struggle with this mindset that says: care about the meaningless. But I've been crucified to this world and this world has been crucified to me. I don't belong in it and it doesn't belong in me. So that is why in solitude, with You, I am formed. I am peeled away of all of that which does not belong to me. But you belong to me. You are mine. I am yours. We are. Together. And this is the purpose of my life. And this is where all my meaning goes: that everything I get to be and do, I get to be it and do it with You.

Leaving some things in the past; Embracing the things of the future

I think it is pretty interesting to see where God has taken me. My life is at a completely different point than I ever imagined. It is hard to believe I am the same person; yet I still am. I am more me than I've ever been. Yesterday I chose to forget something I have remembered for the past 4 years, something that would've changed my life dramatically. I am glad I did. Today I embrace the tomorrow; a tomorrow full of freedom and ruthless faith. A tomorrow that does not waste time in the inconsistencies of the fantastical possibilities of doom. I say goodbye to Anel the victim and hello to Anel the Hero. Welcome to this side of heaven, true self.

What Is Going On?

Confusing thoughts. Threatening thoughts. Anxiety. Fear. Threat. NONE of it is real. None. How do I fight it? Do I fight it? Or do I call upon Him who is my strong arm? I can hide in Him. I can listen. I can rest. I was made for rest. Why don't I? Why do I insist on living the rat race, the lie, the agitation? I will call upon my Savior. I need a Savior. Come Jesus. Fill your land with peace, joy, faith and strength.

And my vision shut down for a little bit...

I have been doing some research on the brain lately; fascinating stuff. One of the things I found out recently is that whenever you have an "aha moment" a great idea or some sort of epiphany, the right middle part of your brain explodes with electric signals and sends it to all parts of your cerebral cortex. The most interesting thing, however, is that at the same time this happens, the back part of your brain, which is in charge of vision, shuts down for a little bit. So I have titled this entry as it is because... you got it! I had an idea, an "aha moment", an epiphany. Sitting in my room after work, writing down my work schedule for the next week and listening to a TED talk: Sarah Kay. She discovered poetry but more importantly she discovered her own. She said: "I can write about the things only I can write about". And that struck a cord. For most part of my life things have always been about what others want and what others like and what others prefer and how people can like me more. Well, now since they are not, I can finally write about what I want to write about. I can finally write in the way that I want to write, do the things that I want to do, tell the stories only I can tell. And I will. I will tell stories about very many things. And I will so unashamed.

... And then after those electric signals were sent all over my brain, and the back part shut down... it came back up. And it did so that I can write this post and so that you, perhaps could have an aha moment and grace this world with the ideas, personality and creativity your Creator embedded within you. Be blessed.