Made Alive to Be Burnt

I wait
patiently
for an answer.
Your Word breaths life into my lungs
and my soul.
My soul
oh my soul
it finds rest in you alone,
In the Lover of my soul.
Oh Lover of my soul!
How in love I am with you!
Your fiery eyes
Your burning love.
Oh burn me with your fire.
It brings life to me
in its consumption.
Oh Lover of my soul
Burn inside me forever.

Who, What, When, Where

I am 27 years old. I have cried many times and most people in my life have hurt me deeply. I began to genuinely laugh after I met the Lord Jesus Christ 10 years ago. For 7 years I fought another battle. My delight in the Lord and the heartbreaking contradiction of church community sent me to fulfill my needs elsewhere. I sought in making money, in academic achievement, in romantic relationships but none of these did the cut. For 3 years I have lived in a community that has affirmed who the Lord says I am. I have grown academically and spiritually. Great awareness has been brought in terms of ministry, profession, personality and values. But I have found the one thing that really matters. And that is that God is always with me wherever I go and that when I enjoy his company I can enjoy most everything else in life. I refuse to embark in the journey of control the world has succumbed to. I don't fully know who I am, and that's okay. I don't fully know what I'm going to do for the next 10 years, and that's okay. I don't know when I'll be..., and that's okay. I don't know where I'll be, and that's okay. Everyone is trying to make their world safe. But no human being could ever make anything about their world safe. No matter how much control one chooses to exert, things still go wrong, you still get heartbroken, you still make mistakes. What is most important is Who is with you when those happen. And there's only one person who is strong enough to take all that junk. That person is Jesus. I choose Him.

In the Now

In August it was very apparent that the Lord was getting ready to do something entirely new and exciting in my life. Little did I know this was going to mean that life as it was before was going to change dramatically. My roles of student, worker, friend, family member, you name it. All has dramatically changed. I simply cannot operate the way I used to. The significant lessons are primarily that I must be who I am at all times. I must not allow my circumstances or others' expectations of me to alter the way in which I want to deal with the circumstances in my life. The second big lesson is that there is simply no life plan. There is nothing ahead that should be more precious than what is in front of me right now. I cannot possibly want something I yet have more than something I have and I actually want. By being present and simply being a human being who honors God and her fellow bretheren in the now has made all the difference. I'm still working through some things but there is an incredible amount of freedom, peace and joy that comes with not knowing or worrying about tomorrow. Here is to living in the now folks. Cheers.

I say no... then I say yes

In this world of stuff, I say no to the meaninglessness. There is nothing I want outside of you. Nothing. So I say no to the stuff and I say yes to you. Wherever you want to take me. Whatever you want to do with me. You are the most important out of all things. Why would I want the least important of things? Why would I go that low? We all struggle with this mindset that says: care about the meaningless. But I've been crucified to this world and this world has been crucified to me. I don't belong in it and it doesn't belong in me. So that is why in solitude, with You, I am formed. I am peeled away of all of that which does not belong to me. But you belong to me. You are mine. I am yours. We are. Together. And this is the purpose of my life. And this is where all my meaning goes: that everything I get to be and do, I get to be it and do it with You.

Leaving some things in the past; Embracing the things of the future

I think it is pretty interesting to see where God has taken me. My life is at a completely different point than I ever imagined. It is hard to believe I am the same person; yet I still am. I am more me than I've ever been. Yesterday I chose to forget something I have remembered for the past 4 years, something that would've changed my life dramatically. I am glad I did. Today I embrace the tomorrow; a tomorrow full of freedom and ruthless faith. A tomorrow that does not waste time in the inconsistencies of the fantastical possibilities of doom. I say goodbye to Anel the victim and hello to Anel the Hero. Welcome to this side of heaven, true self.

What Is Going On?

Confusing thoughts. Threatening thoughts. Anxiety. Fear. Threat. NONE of it is real. None. How do I fight it? Do I fight it? Or do I call upon Him who is my strong arm? I can hide in Him. I can listen. I can rest. I was made for rest. Why don't I? Why do I insist on living the rat race, the lie, the agitation? I will call upon my Savior. I need a Savior. Come Jesus. Fill your land with peace, joy, faith and strength.

And my vision shut down for a little bit...

I have been doing some research on the brain lately; fascinating stuff. One of the things I found out recently is that whenever you have an "aha moment" a great idea or some sort of epiphany, the right middle part of your brain explodes with electric signals and sends it to all parts of your cerebral cortex. The most interesting thing, however, is that at the same time this happens, the back part of your brain, which is in charge of vision, shuts down for a little bit. So I have titled this entry as it is because... you got it! I had an idea, an "aha moment", an epiphany. Sitting in my room after work, writing down my work schedule for the next week and listening to a TED talk: Sarah Kay. She discovered poetry but more importantly she discovered her own. She said: "I can write about the things only I can write about". And that struck a cord. For most part of my life things have always been about what others want and what others like and what others prefer and how people can like me more. Well, now since they are not, I can finally write about what I want to write about. I can finally write in the way that I want to write, do the things that I want to do, tell the stories only I can tell. And I will. I will tell stories about very many things. And I will so unashamed.

... And then after those electric signals were sent all over my brain, and the back part shut down... it came back up. And it did so that I can write this post and so that you, perhaps could have an aha moment and grace this world with the ideas, personality and creativity your Creator embedded within you. Be blessed.

Quiet

When the world is quiet
currents of living waters flow
through my brain
and they recycle
over and over again
seeming purer but really
 more confident.

My eyes say: flow.

Self

I haven't written here in a while. I have been exploring several things. One of the things I have been exploring lately is the self. I realized no one really knows who they are. Everyone attempts to impress one another. In order to get recognized or to get some attention we often hurt one another. I have realized how much I have allowed people's lives and opinions to shape me; the way I think, feel, act and the decisions I make. I am making a transition. See, I don't want to be anything anyone else puts on me but at the same time I myself don't know exactly who I am. This is largely in part because of letting other things other than my desires dictate what I do. So I must also not put a label on myself. I should just be. So I will. I will be my Self. No one else can be me but me :)

Autonomy

It has become very evident that my sense of autonomy is scarce. God is the only one who can restore it. For it to be restored I am going to have to get really honest. Honesty takes pain and mourning. I am willing. Take me, Lord.

July!

July is the month where I completely let go and let God lead me into everything He wants me to do and be. I am done controlling my day. I am done controlling everything in my life. My life belongs to God and He will do anything he wants to do. I trust him. He is my catcher. He will give me everything I need. He will make me lie down in peace. He will nourish my soul. He is my God. He is my Father. He is my King, My life is his. I am not making it be his. It simply is. Thank you Father.

Because He loved me first

Today marks the 10th year Anniversary of the most important event that has ever occurred in my life. 10 years ago on a day like today, I gave my life to Jesus Christ. It was a very intimate moment. I spoke to him for over an hour and I was the most sincere and vulnerable I had ever been with anyone in my life. That day changed me. All I could ever desire now is to allow Him to be what He was when I first came to him. He was God without any preconceived notions, without any tarnishes from church, other people's theologies, dilemmas and/or disappointments. He is God over all; and He loved me. Out of all the things he could do he decided to choose me and love me. He made me his daughter. And now my wholeness is comprised in letting him re-parent me, re-love me and re-teach me in the way I was always supposed to be parented, loved and taught.

With God

Living life with God means that I get to talk to Him all the time. It means that I am in communion with him always. It is amazing. I have had so much spontaneous fun with him today. It went from receiving words of affirmation in the morning, to deep conversation with someone else, to reading, to taking photographs, to reflecting, to running, to discovering, to going to the library, to eating frozen yogurt, to shopping, to listening to music, to dancing... I love it. I love you God. I am so very in love with you. You are the object of my affection and my life is fully enjoyed when you remain this way. May you be my source forever.

Lessons from Tango

I didn't realize how much I like to be in control. In this type of dance, the desired outcome cannot be met unless the woman completely trusts her partner. I don't know how to let go and trust. As hard as it is to admit, I don't know how to let go and trust God. In dancing, a man's job is to make the woman look beautiful. But this can only be accomplished when the woman completely trusts that this is indeed what the man is doing. In life, it is Christ's job to make his Bride, the Church, look beautiful. But if she doesn't, it is solely a reflection of how little she trusts Christ. Lord, teach me how to let go and let you make me look beautiful. Teach me how to let go of this control that brings ugliness and more chaos to my life. I want to Tango this life with you. I want you; that everything else flows out of this trusting embrace.

Insightful Now

Breaking all paradigms. An epiphany occurred just now. The reason we set paradigms is because again, we want to feel more in control of this world even though it is clearly impossible to control it. Our God will always be in control. The problem we have had by breaking all paradigms in the past is that we unknowingly fall into another one. We have this need to make something or someone into an idol and sometimes we can make our "freedom" an idol as well. God needs to always be God. The reason for this is because He already is God and if we are to have any freedom, it needs to be based, surrounded and filled with truth. God is God and nor I nor my circumstances can never be that. Everything is limited but the Creator. When I allow God to be in his rightful place, everything else in life falls into place as well. The key is not making the way I relate to God into an idol, this way he can show himself in my life in which ever way he wants to. Wow, this insight is quite a life changer.

Let. Go.

There is so much on my mind about life. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to do what I love every minute of every day. I have been incredibly inspired by a small business owner in the town I live as well as an author of a Christian book. What do I do with this? I have a desire to write. I have a desire to pray. I have a desire to dance. I have a desire care for people. I have a desire to do many many things. How do I narrow it down to the one thing? I guess the only way to do so is by trusting this One thing. This One thing is Jesus. I have to let go of control. Then I have to let him break all paradigms. Paradigms hinder the way I relate to God and to myself. So today, I let go.

Dilemma

I am not what I do. Why then does what I do weigh so heavily on me? Why then does it feel so yucky when I fail? Truth: I am not what I do. Feeling: I am a failure. I need to choose to believe the truth about who I am. The truth is that I am eternally loved. The truth is that I am incredibly precious to my Father in heaven. The truth is that I am eternally safe in Him. I can think of a million things I need to fix and a million things I need to do. The truth is that I need to trust that He will bring to my attention the things I need to be paying attention to in the right time. He loves me. He cares for me. He is my Father. I am his daughter. That is the truth. And in this truth I am set free. I stand on the truth. I am loved, accepted, forgiven. I have been washed in Jesus' blood and my sins are as white as snow.

Purity.
Safety.
Free.

Space

Space has been an issue. Space to be free.
This is it.
I am.
Period.

This is my space to say what I want to say in the way that I want to say it. This is the space to do what I want to do in the way that I want to do it. No one to please. But me. I am me. I am one. Una. The temptation is: Who is going to read this? What are they going to think? How are they going to perceive it? But no, this is not for you. It is for me. I am glad you may find these lines pleasurable, but the world that is in my head needs to be put out there without the fear of criticism. I am. Period.